COLUMN: Costa Rica should invest in imperialism
Although my time spent for study abroad in Costa Rica has not been perfect (some of you may vividly recall the negative monkey experience I wrote about a couple weeks back), I am most certainly not looking forward to leaving. Yes, a lot of that has to do with approaching finals and some shameless procrastination on my part, but another reason is that Costa Rica is, for lack of a better word, good. Actually, come to think of it, I do not think I was lacking a better word since “parasitical” is much more descriptive than just “good,” so I take that last sentence back. Don’t you think thesauruses are so … um … good to have?
Some of you may feel sorry for me, thinking I will eventually have to give a farewell to this wonderful, new home I have found. Don’t. Feel sorry, that is. Though my mind may not seem so brilliant when it comes to trivial things such as “final research papers” and “career influencing decisions,” it certainly is on top of things when it comes to fulfilling my own selfish desires.
My first impulse in order to remedy this inability of mine to give up Costa Rica so easily would be to solicit that the United States immediately offer statehood to Costa Rica. I am not exactly sure, however, that this first impulse is a good idea.
First, we are having a tough enough time convincing Costa Rica to accept the Free Trade Agreement, let alone statehood.
Second, the rest of the world probably would not look kindly on this either because they would mistakenly figure it to be a form of U.S. aggression, or be jealous they did not think of it first (or most likely both).
And, of course, the third and the least overlookable reason this would not work is that 51 stars on the American flag just is not as attractive as a nice, even 50.
What next, then? Just to prove I am not quite as arrogant as I seem (bear in mind, “not quite”), I am perfectly willing to switch roles. By that I mean allowing Costa Rica to annex the United States as a part of its own country.
This ingenious maneuver would not only add more land mass to Costa Rica (try a couple hundred times more), but also, at the same time, any and all confusion Costa Rica has currently had with Puerto Rico could be eliminated, thanks to their new, sovereign position, by simply changing Puerto Rico’s name to “Puerto East-of-Cuba.” These reasons alone clearly show that the Costa Ricans have much to gain from such an annexation.
I cannot help but think, however, that there may be those of you out there who would be reluctant to throw away more than 200 years of hard earned history just because I am going to miss Costa Rica. Before you get too patriotic, let me point out some of the blaring advantages of such a political move.
-The national language would immediately convert to Spanish, putting a quick end to all of our embarrassing gringo pronunciations when ordering food at Taco Bell.
-It would finally put a stop to Hawaii’s blatant, in-state, tropical tourism monopoly.
-You might have thought there were a lot of Jurassic Park movies before, just wait until Hollywood comes under Costa Rica’s thumb. This has the sequel potential that might even exceed the Rocky movies. I foresee at least three JP movies a year, including a TV mini-series and a reality-based show.
-Our local governments would be fully capable, as never before, of adding a new bureaucratic department to those currently existing, which could be appropriately titled, “Department of Monkeys.” I have to be honest. I am not sure exactly what this department would do, but you cannot deny that it is a really cool idea.
-Finally, the imminent Jamaican threat would be contained as we would have them surrounded both on the north and south.
While all these are excellent reasons for the annexation of the United States into Costa Rica, the best reason I’ve found so far is that there’s a $26 fee to leave the country. Once again, brilliant mind, selfish desires.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Any comments or Costa Rican citizenship information can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.