COLUMN: How to beat freshmanidiocitis
Whew, I made it to class today.
Seriously, don’t underestimate the magnitude of that accomplishment. As a senior attending school solely to write this column for the seven fans who read it – I’ve upgraded from my consistent three fans last year, though my pet rock swears he won’t read anymore unless he gets a Chia Pet neighbor – there is little point for me to attend classes.
I even downgraded my schedule to take up as little of my time and energy as possible. No more papers, no giant group assignments, no late night cramming sessions. I call it survival of the laziest. Darwin would be proud.
Like I said, I made it to class today, but it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. My semi-dazed, dragged-out-of-bed-barely-out-of-my-pajamas state was rudely shattered by what I was sure was a small horde of overexcited gerbils wearing clothes must have purchased from the JCPenney Get That Look catalog.
No big deal, I have that dream on a weekly basis. But when one of them started talking about some tusk, I was forced to open my eyes and focus on a smattering of people gathered around what I was sure was a treasure map.
Yep, you guessed it. Freshmen.
Once fully awake, it wasn’t hard to spot them and throughout the day I was constantly surrounded by them. It seems they all had a harsh case of freshmanidiocitis and I was in no mood to contract it.
Freshmanidiocitis is a dreadful disease that strikes young adults (age-obese teenagers) and makes them behave in bizarre, often irrational ways that annoy everyone else. Common side effects include being overexcited about being all grown up and living on their own, confusion at how to shop at the grocery store, pondering on how much laundry detergent to use and occasional constipation.
Since I’m a semester away from distancing myself from freshmanidiocitis forever, I really don’t want to be plagued with it. So, I am going to offer some free medical information on how to counter the illness. Like all good remedies, this doesn’t involved pills or exercise, just sound advice.
Freshmen, you are easy to spot. Really easy. No, the university didn’t radiation tag you during SOAR. It’s the way you act. It’s the way you dress. It’s the way you talk. It’s even the way you smell.
Some freshmen think being a freshman is the greatest thing in the world. But it’s not. Freshmen are the reason we have to suffer through pointless gen ed courses and the continued existence of American Idol.
So, to help you not stand out as a freshman, here are some tried and true tips.
Dress down
The first week of school is prime time to find freshmen. They dress like Abercrombie and Fitch models, except with clothes. Dressing like you just finished shopping with Mommy for new duds sets you apart more than just about anything else. Look at the seniors in your classes. How do they dress? If you’re lucky, they changed out of their pajamas and basketball shorts and threw on a hoodie. Unlike high school, clothing does not set you apart as someone special. It’s a mark of freshmanidiocitis.
Traveling in packs
Like wolves and cigarettes, girls travel in packs. But for the first few weeks of school, freshmen cling together like a band of terrified Scooby-Doo fanatics. This may come as a bit of a surprise, but upperclassmen are not crouching in the bushes waiting to ambush you, no matter what you may believe from watching Saved by the Bell: College Years. Trust me, you don’t need to travel in packs in broad daylight to protect yourself. You can even go to the bathroom by yourself. Try it.
Lay off the cologne
I can smell a freshman long before I see one due to the overabundance of Tommy or Happy by Clinique. You don’t need to pour on a gallon of cologne or perfume to smell good. A little goes a long way, not unlike reruns of Full House.
Classroom etiquette
Despite what you experienced in high school, you do not have to pay rapt attention in class. Sure, you’ll probably get better grades if you do, but there is a certain level of attention that is demanded. Figuring out that level will be a distinguishing line between being a freshman and an upperclassman.
Syllabuses are not called disclosure documents and your parents or roommates do not need to sign them. Furthermore, do not highlight the syllabus or mark it in a plethora of brightly-colored pens sprawled across the desk. A syllabus is more an opportunity for a teacher to waste a perfectly good day of class reading a piece of paper to you like you are in kindergarten again. Though, History of Western Civilization just doesn’t have the same excitement as Hansel and Gretel.
Under no conditions – I don’t care if the building is under attack by communists – are you to ever wake a sleeping upperclassman or disrupt him/her from doing the Sudoku in the Statesman. Classes are sacred rest times for stressed-out/lazy/bored upperclassmen. You are more than welcome to join in on the fun.
Getting around
Campus is a pretty big place and there are lots of buildings. It can admittedly be daunting to search for the right building. As much as you may be tempted to ask a passing student for directions, do not do it. It’s better to miss class than give away your freshmanidiocitis. Oh, and the TSC is not pronounced ‘tusk,’ it’s just the three letters.
So there you have it. While there are many more tips I could give, this will help counter the effects of freshmanidiocitis. With a little practice, the disease will disappear and you can officially fall into the ranks of poor, starving college students.
Ramen anyone?
Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations. When he’s not dreaming about being a superhero in class, he occasionally studies. Questions and comments can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu.