PREEMPTIVE CRITIC: Bangkok Dangerous
Nicholas Cage isn’t exactly risking his career by starring in “Bangkok Dangerous.” The film is a remake about a heartless assassin who is suddenly faced with difficult moral choices. It sounds to me like Hollywood is once again recycling clichéd action movie plots.
*In a movie trailer voice* “This September! Stuff explodes! Big guns! Hot chicks! And Nicholas Cage saying awesome one-liners!”
Shamefully, however, I’ll probably watch this movie opening day, midnight showing. Yes, I am a hypocritical mindless Hollywood zombie. Get over it.
How can I say no to Cage’s dreamy big blue eyes? And that captivating smile with big pearly white teeth? *clears throat and wipes off forehead*
First of all, stuff that explodes is exciting. No USU student can deny this fact. Every movie should have exploding crap! “Juno” would have been a million times better if only Michael Cera’s head exploded just before the credits.
Second, big guns and hot chicks are a must have. We live in America. Americans are gun crazy. Of course they’re dangerous, but celebrities make them look so cool!
And as far as hot chicks go, sex sells. Find me a movie which doesn’t have a strip club. Go on, do it. All movies have strip clubs. Trust me, go and re-watch “The Lion King” – you’ll never look at lions the same way again.
Lastly, one-liners are what feeds pop culture today. We crave them, we need them. The only time one-liners can be obnoxious is when your co-workers incessantly repeat them for weeks on end. Man, I hate minimum wage sometimes.
Besides, one-liners said by Nicholas Cage are instantly more awesome than anyone else. He’s a real man — charming, funny, and adorable.
I preemptively love this movie.