COLUMN: Bored? No problem
First of all, I realize right away the title of this article hardly applies to anyone in Cache Valley. As long as there are cows to tip and plasma to donate, there is always something exciting and adventurous to do. But in the drastic event that you do leave Cache Valley (try your best to avoid this dangerous situation), this article might come in handy.
At first, I was just going to put down a list of every possible thing you could do when you were bored. This, however, would actually defeat the purpose of this article, since it would probably take up pages and pages of ongoing ideas, quickly boring you and me as well.
In order to remedy that problem, I decided to limit my list to things you can do when you’re bored – that aren’t illegal. That shortened the list tremendously. In fact, it narrowed it down to two: Write a play and make car bombs.
In retrospect, making car bombs is actually illegal, but it somehow made the final list, so technically that leaves us one option: Write a play. The possibilities here are endless, but I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself either, “But I don’t know the first thing about writing a play,” or “This idiot, writing a play is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.” For your sake, I will ignore the second thought of yours, and kindly address the first. Do not be intimidated by the fact that you don’t know the first thing about writing a play. Be intimidated by the fact that if you fail school you’ll end up becoming homeless and living in a cardboard box only slightly worse than your apartment right now. So, in order to help you get past the most difficult step in writing a play, allow me to give you some quick pointers:
1. Make sure the title of your play is long, confusing, and cocky.
2. Make sure your name is on the play (this may not seem to be a high priority, but it is very important considering the next pointer).
3. Slip in plenty of subliminal messages asking for donations to your playwriting cause.
With this in mind, allow me to give you a sample of my own play that I have written. The following is the title of my play: “The Man Who Stood in the Elevator All Day Hoping it Would Break Down So That He Could Write a Play About Being Stuck in an Elevator: By Marty Reeder – Give Me Money.” There you have it. Even before I started the play, I incorporated all of the suggestions listed above. Of course, I don’t really know where I could go from there. Clearly the title gives away the whole plot, but the important thing is that I am receiving donations.
Another important thing to remember is that if you’re going to use characters in your play (I’m personally not a big fan of them – they complicate things too much), then make sure they are marketable.
At this point I think it is important to say I hope none of you get caught up in your playwriting and start to believe it’s a form of expression and artwork instead of just being another way to get money – too many people are corrupted nowadays with that type of abstract and unacceptable thinking. Now, back to marketing.
In order to help you understand the money-making possibilities of marketing, I’ve taken an example of a marketable character out of my play.
Man in the Elevator: “Has the elevator broken down yet?”
Another Man in the Elevator: “No. Are those shoes Nike?”
Man in the Elevator: “Yes, I like them. Give the playwright money.”
With that said, you are all set to begin writing your own plays. So, anytime you’re stuck out of Cache Valley, remember, a little bit of playwriting will save a lot of sanity. Now excuse me, I’m going to go find an elevator. I just got a great idea for a play.
Marty Reeder is a junior majoring in English Education. Comments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu