COLUMN: A cry against government branch discrimination
President’s Day is an interesting holiday. I don’t know how many of you actually woke up on Monday and went to your local shrine of U.S. presidents to thank them for a job well done, let alone even thought about a president. Probably more likely is that you woke up and visited your local Britney Spears/Brad Pitt shrine (choose the one that applies).
In fact, it’s somewhat ironic, but I wouldn’t be surprised if our current presidents get less press on this day than on any other normal day. There is one lingering connection of presidents to President’s Day, however, and that is in business advertisements. Only with these advertisements can you get the big presidential heavyweights like George Washington or Abe Lincoln to posthumously endorse a huge furniture blowout or carpet clearance sale. Now, don’t get me wrong, maybe George was a fan of furniture and would have enjoyed having a La-Z-Boy recliner in his Mount Vernon office, but I think the only thing we can safely assume he would endorse nowadays are our highly advanced, non-wood dentures.
Well, legitimate connection to presidents or not, we do have a President’s Day. Unfortunately, it appears to me as if we are neglecting two-thirds of our hailed democratic system. Where is Congress Day? What about Supreme Court Day? Why should presidents get their own holiday while the other branches are left in the dark?
Following this line of reasoning, you might have already speculated my proposed solution. If you thought I’m suggesting we take away all branches of government and fall into anarchy, then you are not only wrong but a threat to our society, and I’ll have to turn your name over to the F.B.I. (sorry, Patriot Act). If you thought I’m suggesting we give the other two branches of government their own day of celebration, then you are not mentally unstable like those others … and you are also correct.
If you follow my column regularly, then you are most likely my mother. If not, then you are everyone else, but to catch you up to speed, if you were to read my column regularly you will have noticed that I touch up on the subject of holidays and proposed new holidays often. Some of you might suspect that the only reason I do this is to make new excuses to get out of classes. In an effort to debunk this presumptuous line of thinking, I would suggest that these new proposed holidays are ones where class can still be held. Of course, so that we can focus appropriately on the celebration, we shouldn’t have to do assignments or tests on this day, and any class activities we do shouldn’t count toward our grade, plus we can skip class without academic consequences if we should so desire. Wait a second. OK, apparently I do propose all holidays as a way of getting out of class. Well, anyway, it’s a good cause in spite of my motives.
Now, I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to push these new holidays through our bureaucratic government system, since whatever president is in office will probably not want any other competing holidays and will veto any attempts to pass it. This means that Congress will have to get a two-thirds majority to get it past the president, which might initially look pretty feasible (I mean, three-thirds of them are the legislative branch). Unfortunately, as we can see, over half of the senators and representatives are either running for president now or hoping to someday, so that quickly kills off any hope we have of getting it past with them.
A different option we have, though I will admit it is something of a long shot, is to get the Supreme Court to declare it a part of the Constitution. Of course they can’t officially do that unless a case dealing with the issue is brought before them, but with our court system that could take years. I would suggest they just throw it in with another of their rulings, i.e.: We find that Boy Scouts toting around their Eagle Badge is infringing on others’ constitutional rights who never earned it. Measures should be taken to strip any badge shown in public, and also we find it necessary to celebrate National Supreme Court Day tomorrow.
This option isn’t very feasible either since, first of all, I don’t think the Eagle Scout v. Ticked Off Life Scout case will ever get to the Supreme Court (it’s bogged down in appeals), and also because the Supreme Court Justices might consider it “unethical” to start declaring their own laws to the Constitution in unrelated court cases. Well, if that turns out to be the case, we’re going to have to take matters into our own hands and simply start celebrating these holidays until they become officially recognized. For this to work it is going to take a group effort, so get all your friends, family, and Internet chat rooms to participate.
When do we start then? Why delay? We can launch this movement off today. And just to prove how dedicated I am to the cause, I will stop writing this very second to celebrate … and go buy some Thurgood Marshall-endorsed kitchen appliances.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Comments or F.B.I. agents searching for anarchists can contact me at martr@cc.usu.edu.