COLUMN: Even bald guys can let their hair down
You’d think that by the time you entered your 40s nothing could disillusion you. You already know there is no Santa Claus, no Tooth Fairy, no free lunch, no altruistic billionaires, no soul mates and no two-party system. I have been disillusioned twice this year by people saying “I don’t want to do anything undignified.”
One of the few true quantifiable joys of human existence is being undignified. It’s a beautiful thing. Even bald people can let their hair down. Morons can feel normal and the suits start realizing that all ties do is make their necks sweaty.
I imagine these dignity practitioners with friends and family gathered around their death beds gasping, “I made it. I didn’t do anything silly, gag, ack, dirt nap. (Insert your concept of the afterlife here.)
In my concept St. Ralph thanks me for the hours of entertainment I have provided all the other saints and angels because they can’t get the really good cable TV stations in heaven. I picture them enjoying watching me stumble through life with much the same glee as parents who like to watch wobbly little kids learn how to ice skate.
Do you gain anything by being dignified? I doubt there are people making out their party lists saying, “Let’s invite that guy you work with who’s so, you know, dignified. He really adds that air of solemnity that is so lacking at social engagements these days. And Bob, honey, please make sure you don’t play any music that people can dance to.”
Dancing is the nexus between the dignified and the undignified. If you have stopped dancing, you need to do a serious systems analysis on your psyche. You may be on the road to being dignified. There is hope, though. Remember, you are at the wheel of that runaway 18-wheeler that is your so-called life. Fortunately there are runaway truck lanes down the road, you just need to be sure to use them. For instance:
Dance: Everyone looks undignified when they dance. Even if you were classically trained by Martha Graham you’re going to look funny. Just saying the word “boogie” can loosen you up. But, please, be careful with some of those new ballroom-dancing-on-steroids moves. You could put someone’s eye out.
Fight bathroom elitism: The whole concept of executive bathrooms ought to frighten you more than nuclear winter. It’s bad enough that every new house built now has two bathrooms per occupant, but having an office bathroom with a salary cut-off line should make you weep with shame for our species. If you ever find yourself in one of those bathrooms where a guy is handing out towels, tip heavily. These are the people who need dignity, not the people who create these poop palaces.
Get rid of the fine China: I’ve seen more than one set of soon-to-be newlyweds lose their brains over china patterns. It causes fights, it takes up space and it is hard to wash. Don’t buy any dinnerware that you wouldn’t let a 3-year-old high on cola and ice cream carry around.
Take this test: If you pronounce all three syllables of the words “opera” and “theater,” it’s too late for you. Sorry, many are called, but not all can enter. Not everyone can be saved.
Dennis Hinkamp’s column appears in The Statesman every Friday. Comments can be sent to dhinkamp@msn.com.