The Geek Beat:

Ever since I found out they were canceling “Futurama,” I’ve felt a void in my life that no amount of Slurpees or pinball can fill. I tried everything I could think of, even interacting with other people, but nothing’s worked.

Finally, I’ve realized what it was I was missing. I lack a nemesis.

I’ve grown as a hero and as a person. As such, I’ve had to say goodbye to the enemies of my past. It’s not them, it’s me. You know how it is when you outgrow somebody.

I’ve had plenty of archrivals in the past. But a hero of my caliber can only get by fighting tooth decay, litter and telemarketers for so long.

Naturally, I had a few enemies in high school. But they were all about the fighting. We never really clashed on an emotional level.

I did have a stint a year or so ago with Elroy McDonald after he took my parking spot at the mall, but ever since his grisly defeat in the Old Main clock tower, I’ve pretty much been on my own.

This is why I’ve decided to hold my own tryouts for any villains or villain wannabes out there who want a chance to really lock horns with me.

I’m sure you’re all aware of how much a good rivalry can help one’s career. I mean, look at how big of a nobody that Alex Trebek guy was until Ken Jennings came and challenged him.

So these tryouts could be really big for everyone involved. I haven’t been able to reserve the TSC Ballroom for this party, but I’m still going to give you some basic information about the contest so you can prepare.

The tryouts are going to consist of several events in which everyone will have a chance to show what they will bring to future conflicts. There will also be a $10 entrance fee.

The first event will be a powers demonstration. Competitors will be expected to show all of their powers, super or otherwise. If I’m going to invest my time into this partnership, I want to make sure I don’t end up fighting some guy whose only ability is to control the mucus in my nose again.

Next will be the conditioning section. I’ve arranged for a third-grade gym teacher to give you guys the sweaty mat treatment. I mean robe climbing, curled arm hangs, dodgeballs to the crotch, the whole nine yards. This isn’t to see if you guys are in shape. It’s just to inspire the hatred for humanity necessary for any good villain.

After that, we will have the question-and-answer period. This will allow me to better understand who you are as a villain and to see how well we will clash. The questions will contain, but not be limited, to the following.

What are your evil goals in life?

How do you intend to accomplish them?

If you were me, how would you kill you?

Do you have the 10 bucks?

Next would come the evening wear competition, in which contestants will get decked out to the nines and show what they wear for a night on the town. Competitors may don spikes, skull masks or low-cut sequin gowns. I just love a formal in any form.

Finally, to prove that you’re truly as wicked as this job will require, the last event will test your inner evil. It will stretch you to see if you’re truly as nasty as you say you are. That’s right, it’s the baby penguin-eating contest.

I still haven’t decided what to do in the event of tie. I’m currently torn between a fight to the death or a swimsuit competition.

I’m pretty excited about this. I think it will be a good, clean event and a whole lot of fun for everyone involved.

So get your death rays charged up, you demonic minions summoned and your exploding rubber duckies ready for hurling.

Oh, and geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior majoring in computer science and is currently trying to master his wedgie of death maneuver. Comments

can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.