Roommate demands to have ovary removed
Well, everybody, it’s back-to-school time again and you know what that means! It means it’s time for all the guys to
unglue their butts from the craters they left in the sofa from playing X-Box all summer.
It’s also time for all the girls to spend their hard earned summer job money on back-to-school fashions. And by fashions I mean really expensive pieces of fabric that were not originally designed as clothing items.
You see, there is a definite behavior division between college men and women on what they deem necessary to get ready to go to class Monday morning.
For guys, the first day of class may actually involve a shower and clean clothes, but necessarily so. Important preparation involves learning to set an alarm clock, sharpening pencils so much they are more like ninja weapons than writing utensils, and buying a box of huge paper clips.
I can’t really explain it, but over the last 15 to 20 years, I’ve never used a paper clip for attaching a group of similar documents together, but I always seem to get a hold of a giant box of them before class starts. This box is usually accompanied with an equally grandiose box of rubber bands.
Separately, the two can provide hours of fun in a boring classroom all year long, like the inevitable THWACK on the back of the dude’s neck in front of you followed by a blood-curdling scream and high fives from the other guys around you.
Together, however, these two innocent school supplies can become weapons of mass destruction in a classroom, as paper clip darts fly around the room courtesy of make-shift slingshots, until the teacher yells and says, “You can poke an eye out!” Of course these are the same guys who always ran with scissors as children.
Going back to school is definitely an easy transition task for the non metrosexual guy, but certainly not for the other dominant gender. Females have to go shopping!
Well, what do they buy? The answer is simple…holes.
If you’ve ever gone shopping with women, it takes roughly 3.76 milliseconds to realize that less is more – expensive. A bikini costs way more than a one-piece swimsuit. Tank tops cost more than t-shirts, and for some reason now jeans that have sections missing cost much more than whole pairs!
In every shop that sells jeans, except for the “old women” stores, you will see jeans that have been torn, mauled, chewed, stretched, ripped, patched, painted on and all sewed back together really ugly all in the name of “fashion.” If that weren’t just ridiculous, “distressed” clothing costs a whole lot more than it should. I even saw a pair of jeans that were being sold for $119.
That’s roughly 357 snickers bars (when on sale) – almost a year supply of candy bars for half a back-to-school outfit.
Then there’s the new style of sweaters that aren’t really sweaters. They’re called “shrugs,” aptly named after the slight shoulder movement a guy makes when his gal becomes interested in the clothing.
For those who haven’t seen them, shrugs are like a very see-through sweater that barely reaches the bottom of your ribs and don’t have any buttons, so you have to tie them in front. I can’t believe they’d be warm enough for a Cache Valley fall, yet they have become wildly popular. I think they should really be called trainer shawls, for that young grandmother in you.
Even as silly as the trainer shawls are, nothing can beat the ridiculous poncho fashion. Basically the poncho style involves an oversized napkin functioning as a top. This has to be the laziest fashion ever. Just go down to Jo-Ann’s, buy a yard of fabric and cut a head hole in the middle. If nothing else it could do well as a ghost costume on Halloween
So my advice for all the back-to-school madness is women, calm down. You’ll have all year to purchase crazy bits of clothing. For now just grab a rubber band and thwack someone. Deep down it just feels good.
Garrett Wheeler is a second bachelor’s student in technical theatre design. Send any comments or column ideas to wheel@cc.usu.edu.