COLUMN: How to rock an interview
The suspenseful end of the semester is approaching fast, and if you’re anything like me you need a summer job. If you’re a lot like me, you can’t find a summer job. And if you actually are me you’re currently wondering why you’ve never drank Tab. Nevertheless, I can firmly say my current job search has been shaky at best.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been trying. I’ve applied for more jobs than times Ralph Nader has run for president, and still, like our green party hopeful, to no avail. If only I had some leads to make employment finding more successful. (That wasn’t rhetorical, any recommendations should be sent to the e-mail at the bottom of this column!)
Wait? Perhaps applications aren’t the issue. Maybe it is the interview that needs polishing. That’s a thought!
Job interviews just don’t seem to be fun for anyone. The formality, the uncertainty, the pressure of it all – I’m sure even Xena Warrior Princess was nervous for her job interview for local YMCA women’s self defense instructor. The funny thing is, most every interview is about the same – a lot like this:
Employer: “So, Mr. Gugliotta. Start off by telling us a little about yourself.”
Mr. Gugliotta: “Well, uhh … My name is … uhh … Ben … crap, no … Artie, yes! My name is Artie … and … uhh… I’m from Tacoma, Wash. … no, no I’m from Maryland, and I like sprinkles.”
EM: “Sprinkles (scribbles fake notes) … ‘kay. What do you feel you can bring to the tofu industry?”
MG: (Sweats profusely) “Well … uhh … umm … I can do diamond push-ups.”
EM: “Very well. Your resume here confuses us a little. You see, it’s not only written on a napkin, but has nothing on it except the lyrics to the ‘Full House’ theme song and a listed reference for McGruff the Crime Dog.”
MG: “Yeah, he taught me the meringue. Well, I’m a good team player and …”
EM: “Well, look at that, time is up. Thanks so much, Mr. Gugliotta. We’ll be in touch with you.”
See what I mean? Those experiences are downright chilling. Nothing at all like the interviews I usually have planned in my head:
EM: “So, Mr. Schwartzman, tell us more about your experience in textiles.”
SS: “I once traveled with Bono to feed instant potatoes to starving children in Uganda.”
EM: “When can you start?”
With summer break right at our heels, I’m sure we could all use some mental stretching before our next interview jumps up to bite us. In an effort to help, let me give you a quick template that is sure to provide exactly what you need to say to ensure a dynamite interview experience.
What is your biggest strength?
“Well, I am the single greatest and best at everything.”
This is a dead lock. It’s bold, it covers all the bases, and I’m sure they’re only laughing because they find it ridiculous they haven’t hired you already.
What is your biggest weakness?
“Counting all of my strengths.”
They’ll not only be impressed with your humility in pointing out failure, but they’ll enjoy the unified language after referring to a past question. Dramatic irony at its best.
What color best describes you?
“Navy blue.”
This one is obvious. Employers love dark colors.
Name a time when you’ve gone above and beyond.
“Beating my father at Jenga.”
Nothing says “jack of all trades” like demolishing competition and having the humility to clean it up afterwards.
“Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?”
This won’t be a factor. I’m just shocked I’ve gone all year without quoting “Airplane!”
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it …?
“Val Kilmer.”
You laugh, but I’m telling you it’s a gold mine. When all else fails always play the “Kilmer” card. I mean, c’mon, the man played Batman.
And finally:
Why should we hire you as our next (INSERT POSITION):
“Please see answer to first question.”
And there it is. With this outline you’ll be knocking them store managers dead and making a sweet living to pay off summer classes and 50 of those kiwi thingies at Jamba Juice. Now get out there and be a part of society!
And seriously, my e-mail is just below this. Help out a friend.
– Steve Schwartzman is a sophomore majoring in marketing and minoring in speech communication. His column runs every Wednesday. He loves sports, comedy and creative writing. He encourages any comments at his e-mail steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu, or find him on Facebook.