What’s a fat kid to do?
A few days ago, I discovered that I’m getting fat.
I can still see my feet and my cheeks don’t look like hamsters saving seconds for a little later, so when I found out that 230 pounds for a 6-foot, 8-inch man is overweight by federal government standards (www.consumer.gov), I just laughed. Then I ate a whole quart of ice cream.
But seriously, that ice cream sure was tasty, and although I don’t appreciate the name of it, I recommend moose tracks to everyone!
More importantly, I have to take a health test in a couple weeks so I don’t have to pay as much for insurance as someone tubby like Rush Limbaugh would have to pay. This means I need to drop about 10 pounds in two weeks.
As if the scary thought of actually having to utilize the word “exercise” in my daily life wasn’t bad enough, the testy situation manifested itself more clearly when I jumped on the bed yesterday and heard a loud CRUNCH!
My whale-like body caused a bedpost to pierce one of the heavy-duty plastic bed risers I recently purchased. I bought them because the box said they can hold up to 300 pounds each. Well, I guess they mean a static load of 300 pounds and not the typical dynamic load I put on it when I jump from halfway across the room, flipping and diving under the sheets like a trapeze artist.
So what’s a fat man supposed to do?
Well, first of all, I got some sturdy bed risers, designed to accommodate more types of circus acts. But now, I have to lose weight.
Health “experts” have many different suggestions for losing weight, but the skinny ones will all tell you that the secret is merely diet and exercise. Exercise shouldn’t be a problem for me, but for some reason my normal “see-food” diet isn’t allowed, so I know I’m in trouble.
My wife told me that I have to start eating more healthy foods and stop snacking all the time. She has also told me at times that I really need to shower, so I wasn’t sure what to believe.
After a few pensive moments, I finally decided against getting a large pizza for lunch and take a more healthy approach by visiting the local farmers’ market. Overall, I was disappointed because there were no farmers for sale.
However, there were a lot of other neat things for sale – like gourds the size of missiles. Now there’s a healthy snack.
By far the most interesting item I saw for sale was goats’ milk soap. This I don’t quite understand. I have a hard enough time thinking about the first person who looked at a cow and said, “Why don’t we drink what comes out of there?” It had to be a medieval fraternity pledge dare.
“OK, Sven, you’ve fulfilled all tasks to gain entry into our organization, except the infamous udder suck. If you dare, you will be sealed as a brother of stupidity in the world’s largest ag-science fraternity, Mu Theta Theta (M??).”
Goats’ milk soap is labeled as being great for sensitive skin, because its natural PH is near that of human skin. I don’t remember studying the goat excretion section in biology class, so I might as well believe the vendor.
The bars looked normal enough, but I could never shower again with a straight face knowing a goat is helping me get clean. Being terrified by the three billy goats gruff as a child certainly doesn’t help the situation.
Even with all the healthy foods for sale, all I decided to purchase was a delectable giant chocolate chip cookie. I couldn’t help myself. It smelled so good. And the guy selling them looked like an honest farmer.
Don’t worry about me, though. Ten pounds should be no trouble at all, because the diet starts now, I promise…well, right after I finish off the rest of those moose tracks.
Garrett Wheeler is a second bachelor’s student in technical theater design. Send any comments or column ideas to wheel@cc.usu.edu