COLUMN: The naked truth
In answer to the question – “Is there a T-shirt and bumper sticker for every cause on the face of the earth?”
“Yes, there is.”
I could stop right there, but I felt it my journalistic obligation to share with you one of the most obscure and unlikely candidates for a cause emblazoned T-shirt – The Naturist Society.
You see, Naturists – not to be confused with Birkenstock clad, granola toting naturalists – merely believe in recreation sans clothing.
They don’t like to be referred to as “nudists.” Their areas of recreation such as beaches aren’t referred to so much as “nude beaches” but rather “clothing optional beaches.” They are not a pushy lot. They don’t require people to take off their clothes, they would just like to have the option.
So you see, “naturist T-shirt” may be one of the biggest oxymorons of all time. Well, it’s right up there with “military intelligence” and “airline food.”
The idea of persons espousing nudity selling T-shirts struck me as odd at first. In retrospect, I guess it is no weirder than the Audubon Society banquet I went to where chicken was served – if my memory of the animal kingdom serves me, the chicken is a bird of sorts.
So, taken in the larger scheme of things, The Naturist Society is frighteningly sane.
In answer to another question – “Is there a mailing list for every cause on the face of the earth?”
“Yes, there is.”
How I got on The Naturist Society mailing list is a question I’d rather not answer. And, if you ever do find out, I will deny it on a stack of other magazines I will deny having.
These are tough times for nudity, so maybe their cause deserves some attention. I’d donate some money to the cause, but I’m not exactly sure what you need to buy if you are a naturist.
I may donate anyway, though, because these are tough times for nudity. The public has been so outraged by nudity in art, movies and the media they are flocking to more wholesome fare such as Jason X.
I’ve seen movie tough guys Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris comment on talk shows they are careful to limit nudity in their movies because they are in favor of more wholesome entertainment.
Never mind dozens of people are shot point blank, fingers are broken and knives abound. None of the stray body parts are seen unclothed.
To further emphasize this point, take the fact Playboy magazine sales have been banned from most stores while you can rent a copy of Texas Chainsaw Massacre at just about any of our 35,000 movie rental outlets. This contradiction ought to throw the even most conservative minds into gridlock trying to determine which is more obscene.
What’s the message here?
Most of us are pretty confused about what exactly nudity is. We have a vague idea it is that transitional state from shower to clothes. However, we are still so confused we have to describe nudity directionally. Movie reviews that say nothing about dismemberings, exploding heads or torture feel compelled to tell you there is “frontal” nudity.
There is no similar distinction for “side” or “back” nudity. Apparently backside nudity is just fine since you can even see that on TV now.
Although they have T-shirts and a mailing list, naturists are seldom seen out picketing for rights to multidirectional nudity. In this respect, they are probably more in touch with normality than the rest of the yahoos who send me promotional junk mail. What I like most about naturists is they have the perfect disguise. They may be hiding beneath the clothes of the people in the room with you right now.