Editor Column: The flip side of the food pyramid

It never fails, just as I start to get the hang of something, the powers that be end up changing it all around.

By the time I finally get my car clock changed to Daylight Savings Time, they change it back. Whenever I memorize a new phone number, I have to move because of various misunderstandings.

As soon as I memorize McDonald’s new slogan, they change it again.

I’m unable to hold mature conversations with other adults because I never know if I should be ticked off about the economy or not.

It’s really quite confusing.

Now it’s the food pyramid. I finally got the grains in the bottom where they belong and the fats/oils/good food up in the top where I can’t reach them so they don’t make me overweight, out of shape or happy.

No sooner than I get a handle on the Egyptian Eddiphus of Eating that they decide that if one pyramid is good, then more would be better.

They just keep adding more under the guise of trying to create a personalized one for each and every man, woman and child in America.

As for myself, if we each get our own pyramid, I’d like one that requires five servings a day of doughnuts and only one serving a year of spinach.

I don’t think we each need our own food pyramid.

I think the government just spent a lot of money buying the concept of a pyramid from the ancient Egyptians and is trying to use it as much as they can. This is also why there’s one on the dollar bill.

I never understood the need for the switch to the pyramid in the first place. I didn’t ask for the change.

I was perfectly happy with the old three servings a day from the four food groups system that was taught to me as a child by Mrs. Blackham, my kindergarten teacher, and Mr. Goodbody, a grown man who made his living teaching kids about their bodies while wearing skin-tight, skin-colored spandex.

There was a time when that sort of thing was considered appropriate for television.

When I was six, I played an orange in a school play depicting the four food groups. I ended up knocking over a piece of cheddar onto the corn, making her cry in front of everybody.

Fortunately, our teacher was able to jam a few kernels up her nose to stop the bleeding. But to this day, she won’t eat cheese or citrus fruit. If she gets osteoporosis or scurvy, I’m going to feel a little guilty.

I still remember when the controversial move of splitting the fruits and vegetables group into the fruits and vegetables groups was made. This was huge move in the late ’80s. Parents were worried about getting kids to eat more greens.

I remember kids being outraged that Mr. Goodbody had lied to them. I was in favor of the change until I discovered that Fruity Pebbles aren’t fruit and the outside of a corn dog isn’t a vegetable.

One reason I have always been suspicious of the change to the pyramid scheme is that under the old system, we were eating between 12 and 15 servings of something a day.

The last time I checked, the pyramid had us each eating up to 20.

And they wonder why obesity has been on the rise.

I’m not worried, though. Constant change and the awkward social stumbling it brings have been my life-long companion. If I could get used to Vanilla Coke I can handle this.