COLUMN: USU should invest in stocks
I think most people will agree with me when I say checking your e-mail is always an adventure. For me it is usually an adventure because I’ll type in the wrong domain, and I’ll end up on something like the Zimbabwe Mafia Web page. Not that I don’t appreciate the ZM (Zimbabwe Mafia), but I think their Hitman of the Week feature is a little too graphic for me.
Assuming I am able to get to my e-mail account, however, there is always the excitement of finding out who you receive e-mails from. For example, this week I opened my e-mail account and saw a number of new messages. I immediately skipped past the less important messages, which had been sitting there untouched for weeks, titled, “Your Homework Assignment for 4060,” “Your Take Home Exam for 4060,” and “Your 4060 Professor Informing You That You’ve Failed the Class.” Once past these worthless subject titles, I moved on to the meat of my e-mail messages. It was at that moment, while browsing through my recently delivered National yo-yo Lovers Online Newsletter, I was able to spot a message from one of my fellow students.
Encouraged by my effort to help find a solution for Paul Schmidt’s dilemma in my last column, this USU student, whom we’ll call “Justin Carter,” appealed to my infinite supply of wisdom as well. Justin detailed out a very long and, frankly, boring explanation of several problems facing our society. I skipped some of the problems that seemed more trivial (tags on mattresses, fat-free ice cream, and country music – OK, none of those topics are really trivial, but I just don’t have time for all of them in one column), and moved on to Justin’s observations on criminals in our society today.
Justin seemed to believe the reason people commit crimes, is so they can get attention. Therefore, he proposed that, in order to reduce crimes, we should give criminals what they want and publish all of their illegal acts for everyone to see (ever heard of the police blotter, Justin?).
I find Justin’s theory just a tad ironic because he made sure to inform me the real reason he sent me his e-mail was so he could get his name put in the paper. I guess, by his standards, that gives him the same tendencies as a criminal. For this purpose, and to keep Justin from following that dangerous, criminal-bound path any longer, I decided not to include his real name in this article and give him an alias instead. Unfortunately for me, in picking a name at random to be his alias, I accidentally picked his real name.
Now, if Justin does hit home with this theory of his, then I would suggest taking the solution in a different direction. Instead of publishing criminals’ illegal acts, we can give criminals their preciously sought attention in a different way. My solution – revert back to the times when people were put in stocks as punishment for breaking the law.
You may believe I only suggest this because of my fetish with tri-cornered hats. I have no rebuttal to that except maybe it’s true. But you also can’t deny the sheer logic of putting our criminals in stocks.
Of course, instead of using the city square as was done in the older days, the stocks on campus would be set up on the Quad, or there could even be a couple spots reserved in the Taggart Student Center as well. This not only solves our overcrowding prison problems, but it also solves our boring weekend problems.
I warn you not to get too excited. Having stocks up on campus would have its downsides as well (believe it or not). It would make it much harder to shortcut across the Quad if you have criminal hands grasping at you and light-hearted threats to your life being made. There’s also the risk of some freshmen mistaking the hardened criminals for members of one of the campus fraternities, which could lead them to hop in a stock of their own, believing it to be an initiation process of some sort.
The advantages, however, seem to far outweigh anything else. If given sedative shots, the criminals could be mistaken for a bunch of sculptures scattered around campus, adding to the artistic beauty of the valley. It would make graduation tricky, but there’s no reason diplomas couldn’t be hand-delivered in this special case. An added bonus for any student is free advice on how to hot-wire a car – should the situation present itself.
The time is right for USU to invest in stocks. Not only would it be good for the community, but it would also be good for the criminal and for struggling stock-building companies. Above all, however, my highest aspiration is that it will instigate the eventual comeback in the tri-cornered hat fashion. When it does, I’ll be ready.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in English education. Comments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.