COLUMN: I have too much time on my hands
Do you remember the scene in “A Beautiful Mind” when John Nash’s wife, played by Jennifer Connelly, walks to the shed behind their house and finds all of the pictures that show the disturbing world that exists in her husband’s head?
While spending Labor Day at my in-laws house, I made a similar disturbing discovery.
The family festivities had not begun, and my wife was talking to her mother, so I went to the computer and began to “surf” the Internet. Remembering that intramural flag football season was only a couple weeks away, I wondered whether some flag football nerd had taken the time to post some winning tips.
I typed in “flag football” and “strategy” on www.google.com, and more than 3,000 entries came up.
The sight www.flagfootballplays.com looked interesting, so I went to it. This is when I had my Mrs. John Nash experience. These people were taking the world of flag football just a tad too serious.
The following is an excerpt from a letter sent to Jonathan Grant, who runs the site, from a man named Kane: “Mr. Grant, you have inspired me. Your e-mails have given me new ideas to the balance of flag football. Your generosity and kindness is unmatched. Obviously you are one of this sport’s greatest men. Thank you for all you’ve done. I can’t thank you enough.”
What?! The “balance of flag football”? “You have inspired me”? “Your generosity and kindness are unmatched”? Sure we have Nobel Prize winners, doctors, and world leaders who save thousands of lives each year, but none of them match the generosity or kindness possessed by Jonathan Grant, the flag football guru.
Grant created a flag football scheme he calls “The Headache Offense,” and by so doing has apparently brought meaning into the lives of many.
Despite the insane, blown-out-of-proportion comments I read, I was still eager to give my team “The Headache Offense.” I clicked on the link, which sent me to a form asking for my credit card number. The “Offensive Headache” scheme was $25, and for the bargain price of $75 I could get both “The Headache Offense” and “The Unbeatable Defense.”
The fact I was on this site already showed I had too much time on my hands. But going to the site and creating it are two different things. I could just see the following situation playing out when I come home one night:
“Honey, our rent check bounced today,” my wife would say.
“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I dropped down 75 bucks for ‘The Headache Offense’ and ‘The Unbeatable Defense,'” I would say. “But it’s all going to be worthwhile, my team is going to be amazing and then I’ll win an intramural T-shirt.”
Something tells me that such an answer wouldn’t go over so well.
Another flag footballer said, “At age 37, my confidence has never been higher.”
Sounds more like a Hair Club for Men endorsement to me.
Another said, “I spent hours trying to figure out ways to stop it with all the defensive plays I know, modifying them, making up new ones, trying all scenarios and I concluded that if these are executed properly, there will always be positive yardage.”
This one was signed “anonymous.” I think if I spent hours at a desk with a pencil and paper “trying all scenarios” to stop flag football plays, I would want to remain anonymous also.
Louie Davis added, “I hope I can eat next week. Your product has excited me that much.”
If you see me on campus a month from now, 50 pounds thinner and flunking all my classes, you’ll know I finally gave in. I’m just too excited to eat and spending all of my study time “trying all scenarios” to stop ‘The Headache Offense.’
Clark Jessop is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism. Comments can be sent to clakrjessop@cc.usu.edu