Column: Shooting from the Hip; Hollywood writing success: The screenwriter’s FAQ

Congratulations on your decision to become a screenwriter. No doubt by this time you’ve been kicked out of writer’s school and don’t have enough money to afford hygiene materials, much less keep up your subscription to Writer’s Weekly. Not to fear. Many of the industries finest began writing for Hollywood only after failing to pass the cleanliness standards at their local homeless shelters. Desperation, after all, is fertile ground for inspiration.

We welcome you to an occupation where you will soon find happiness, or at least the material equivalent thereof. (Official Screenwriter Creed: It’s hard to frown on a jet ski).

Because we know that many screenwriters have difficulties when they first start out, we ask you to take a moment to read the following answers to many of the industries most frequently asked questions:

1. As an artist, I want to portray life in all its splendor and/or depravity. How do I balance that desire with my need to “make money”?

Money always comes first. After all, how can you possibly write award-caliber scripts if you’re eating at Jack-in-the-Box and sleeping on a cot? Nothing will improve the quality of your writing like an overpriced meal, a spacious downtown crib and a really good ghost writer. Anybody can be an artist; but it takes real talent to be a screenwriter.

2. But, isn’t working solely for money morally wrong?

No. The first thing you need to learn is that, in Hollywood, morals are “relative” which is a fancy way of saying they are “non-essential” and “too stuffy for Southern California.” The “m” word is actually very taboo. Don’t worry though; incredible amounts of money will fill the gaping void caused by your lapsed virtues and ethics. Plus, there are special real estate deals for moral degenerates looking to live on Los Angeles’ sunny beaches.

3. Should I create real characters in my script or tailor the roles to specific, well-known actors?

Star power is everything. “Real characters” may have worked in Script Writing 3010, but you’ll soon learn that tailor-made roles are the only way to get the general public to see your movie. Actors are fickle and are most easily identified with high-maintenance pets: they need easy tricks tailored to their talents.

Just remember: Even if it falls into the hands of Keanu Reeves, an “actor” with the personality of a kumquat, your script will make money.

4. When is it ok to write a snazzy, modern version of an old film?

It is recommended you wait about four years after the release of the original before doing a remake. If the film is a remake of a remake, and so on, you should add one year for every time the film has been redone. Using this formula, certain movies, including any film about horses or Peter Pan, shouldn’t be remade for a minimum of twenty seven years. For blockbuster films, i.e. “The Lord of the Rings,” we suggest you wait seven years.

5. Do screenwriters ever have a problem with plagiarism?

No. Copyright only protects the specific full-length, final-product expression of a particular movie, not the actual plot, characters, proper names, costume design, special effects, words, visuals and dialogue used in that film. Just to be safe, however, the rule of thumb is to add or delete one word for every sentence you borrow from another writer. Take the following example:

“Hold me Anakin. Hold me like you did by the lake at Naboo.”

“OK”

Simply by writing “OK” instead of whatever it was he actually said, you can effectively borrow up to three sentences from this script without any accusations of plagiarism that will hold up in court. May the force be with you.

6. Is it wrong for my script to include grisly murder, suicide or other forms of death in the plot?

No. In all Hollywood films, good people are good and bad people are bad. The good people have to have someone to mercifully crush in the name of goodness and honor and family and morals and stuff like that. Also, as previously mentioned, even before you start writing, you should be thinking star power. If you ever expect to get Bruce Willis, Jackie Chan, Wesley Snipes or Emma Thompson into your movie, you need to include lots of well-written death scenes. We recommend at least sixteen d.p.r. (deaths per hour) in action movies and no fewer than three d.p.r. in romantic comedies. For horror films and westerns, you should use your own discretion.

7. Is there anything else I should know about screenwriting?

I may not be qualified to answer that question. I’m just an out-of-work actor with a typewriter.

Matt Wright is the Diversions editor at the Utah Statesman. Shooting from the Hip pokes fun at the foibles of student life and entertainment. Comments and questions can be sent to him at mattgo@cc.usu.edu.