The Preemptive Critics: ‘Running Scared’ ‘The Magic Roundabout’

‘Running Scared’

Mafia movies have a long tradition of rib-cracking violence and award-winning acting. After all, nothing screams Oscar like greased hair and a Tommy gun.

Some of the greatest mob actors include Marlon Brando, Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Ben Kingsley and … Paul Walker?

Hold the meatballs, folks. That’s the casting equivalent of getting Pauly Shore to play Ghandi. (Or a potatoe bug).

Walker’s last box-office blunder, “Eight Below,” survived only because he was successfully out-acted by eight dogs, a leopard seal and every snowflake in Antartica. I’m not sure why Hollywood fails to see that the title of his latest film reflects more the likely reaction of the audience than anything that’s actually in the movie.

Of course, this is a mob film. The potential body count might keep me from crushing my own kneecaps in a desperate attempt to get taken out of the theatre.

And, if the laws of actor karma follow through, then Walker’s character will probably get whacked by a mozzarella-eating thug named “Tiny.”

Or at least hit in the face by a hockey puck.

For allowing me the dream of a permantly disfigured former-Deedle, I preemptively love this movie.

-by Matt Wright/mattgo@cc.usu.edu

‘The Magic Roundabout’

Take a French TV show from the ’60s that no Americans have ever heard of, redo it with a bunch of “celebrities” that no Americans care about and name it after a traffic control feature that no Americans know how to drive through and you have a movie that no Americans in their right mind will see.

Notice I said no Americans in their right mind – I’m sure plenty of parents will see it.

Saying this movie is for young kids doesn’t go far enough. I’ve found deeper plots in that Barbie Adventures DVD that you get free in the mail when you buy four or more dolls (hey, don’t judge me; we’re not talking about me, this is about “The Magic Roundabout”).

This movie would have been fine going straight to DVD or straight to kiddy videogame or even straight to …

Unfortunately for us, the producers realized that any movie that goes straight to the home market cheats them of their key marketing strategy: Kids-meal toys.

It seems to me that this movie was created for no reason other than to have kids whine their parents (who by that point will be brain dead from watching “The Magic Suckabout”) into letting them eat over-priced, greasy hamburgers just so they can get a toy that will be lost in that layer of 10 year old puke hardening under those colorful balls in the Playplace pit.

For giving me such a disgusting mental image, I preemptively hate this movie.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu