In Depth: A Closer Look at the Issues; Life After Love
They had been dating for two and a half years and Sara was sure that, after graduation, she and Adam would get married.
To put it simply, Sara was completely in love.
Over their years together, each had broken up with the other at least once, but each time they had gotten back together a month or so later. With this past history in mind, Sara knew that their most recent breakup would likely end with her back in Adam’s arms, despite his recently diagnosed medical and psychological problems.
About a week after Adam called things off, the pair were hanging out together like they had done in the past and Adam casually mentioned he needed to be in Salt Lake later that night to meet Todd. Sara had never heard of Todd and asked Adam for some details. Finally, after some hesitation, Adam explained the real reason behind his breakup with Sara.
He was dating Todd.
Though she had suspected Adam’s changed sexual orientation for the past couple of weeks, his verbal affirmation of homosexuality threw her for a loop. After all, Sara didn’t have plans for the future that didn’t have Adam in them. For a few months, she tried to act like she wasn’t devastated and even helped Adam as he tried to explain to his friends and family that he was gay. But, by December, she couldn’t handle it anymore – she broke down emotionally.
For weeks, she withdrew from her friends and family and didn’t want anything to do with the rest of the world. Eventually, however, she realized that life would go on. She gradually saw less and less of him and began to avoid him completely. Now, for Sara, life is back to a healthy, happy and normal state.
Relationships are formed nearly every day at universities across the country. According to a 2003 survey conduced by eNation, a service of the Shaumburg, Ill.,-based research firm Market Facts, 59 percent of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 report that they have undergone a recent breakup. Renee Galliher, an assistant professor in the psychology department at Utah State University, said she has seen similar patterns in adolescent relationships.
“Research suggests that the majority of adolescents report that they have experienced a breakup in the past six months,” she said.
Though many relationships end well with mutual understanding between the two parties, Galliher explained that for a rare few, relationship termination can cause strong negative reactions including depressed moods, behavioral acting out (i.e., substance use) and suicidal ideation or gestures.
“Recent breakup is associated with increased depression, at least in the short run,” Galliher said. “However, after learning coping strategies to get past an initial break up, subsequent break ups may be less difficult or may be handled more easily.”
Galliher and Dave Bush, who is a licensed clinical psychologist working in the USU Counseling Center, agree that a minimal amount of situational depression after the ending of a relationship is normal, if symptoms don’t alleviate for several weeks or months, then professional help may be useful.
“Assuming responsibility for your part in the relationship is key so you are accountable for how you treat the other person, rather than basing your decisions on their behavior,” Bush said.
Several relationship advice books, including a recently republished edition of “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends,” by Bruce Fisher, explain the emotional reaction to a breakup through a series of steps that people experience after the relationship ends.
Like Sara, most people first experience a stage of denial where they try and pretend everything is all right. Fisher, who wrote his book mainly to help divorcees, said when people discover their love-relationship is ending, their first reaction is that they don’t want anyone to know because they are afraid to admit failure and fear rejection from friends. So, instead, they pretend things are still OK. Soon, however, loneliness, guilt, grief, anger and other negative emotions enter the person’s emotional make-up, he said in the book.
After the anger and pain, however, the next steps in the process suggest that most people begin to let go of their previous relationship, accept their newly single status and move on to other relationships.
Bush said that while time tends to heal depression caused because of a breakup, there are some good steps students can take to healthily cope.
“Taking time to record what was learned in the relationship and reflect[ing] on personal growth is more productive than jumping into a new relationship,” Bush said.
Because there is so much individual difference in the way people respond to breakups, however, there is no clear, direct cure all for the broken heart, although previous breakup experience tends to help.
“It seems that people may have stronger reactions to a first breakup, but may develop coping skills to handle later breakups better,” Galliher said.
While age and maturity seem to be important, Galliher said there is no clear evidence that either boys or girls respond more negatively to breakups. There may, however, be gender differences in the way people cope with the loss of a relationship.
“I think with some [breakups], it’s really relieving to start over; but other times it just breaks your heart and you can’t think for weeks and sometimes months afterwards,” Joshua Law, a junior majoring in international relations said.
Teresa Bird, a senior majoring in Spanish, said the biggest problem with her breakup was knowing that she wouldn’t have the same emotional contact with her boyfriend that she had before.
“My immediate response [to the breakup] was relief,” Bird said. “I knew it wasn’t going to work out or anything. Up to the point of breaking up, I had been worried about how to bring it up, and then afterwards I was glad because it was over, and it was right. Then a few weeks later, I was feeling kind of sad. We had been good friends, so essentially I had just lost a friend – a close friend,” she said.
Though the answer might be different in individual circumstances, Galliher said that based on her anecdotal and clinical experience, most often it is difficult to maintain a platonic friendship after being romantic partners, especially if the relationship ends because of infidelity or some other form of betrayal.
Besides infidelity, Galliher lists lack of shared interest, lack of approval from friends or family members and apparent incompatibility as a few of the common reasons couples break up. Power dynamics can also play a large role in the relationship process.
“Power may be related to breakups,” Galliher said. “We have found that experiencing powerlessness in your relationship is related to relationship dissatisfaction.”
The problem is the emotional and psychological explanations for why relationships end don’t always help students trying to cope with a breakup. Timothy Turpin, a senior majoring in electrical engineering, didn’t understand why the relationship came to an end.
“[When I broke up] I was the most confused I’ve ever been in my life. I didn’t understand just how it all worked out. If I think about it, I’m still confused about it,” Turpin said. “[To stop the confusion] I need a definitive answer of why.”
Most professionals agree that there are a number of steps students can take to maintain a healthy relationship.
“I’m not sure that anyone enters in to a relationship thinking about how best to end the relationship,” Galliher said. “When I consider the kinds of interventions I would employ with individuals or couples who are struggling in relationships, I think of the following things: Managing emotions (sharing positive emotions and controlling negative emotions), mutual respect and an equal distribution of power, active problem solving and open communication and knowing your own values and goals and sharing those with your partner.”
Bush said, “Nurture the relationship with open communication, investing in each other’s basic needs and learning each other’s love language. Speaking that language ensures your partner will feel appreciated and loved.”
-mattgo@cc.usu.edu