COLUMN: I was trailer trash
I was trailer trash. It was only for a couple years, but it was all I could afford, and I don’t think it permanently lowered my IQ. I was never abducted by aliens, hit by a tornado or had an affair with a government official. I never drove a 4×4 with a gun rack, dated a stripper or watched pay-for-view pro wrestling. It was not my first choice in housing, and I doubt it is anybody’s.
Some people are just victims of the English language. If trailer and trash did not lend themselves to alliteration, maybe the image wouldn’t be so derogatory. Moveable Home Trash doesn’t sound so demeaning. And what the heck is the difference between driving a 4×4 with a gun rack and an SUV with a roof rack? Is pro wrestling really any more absurd and fake than politics?
Making fun of people less economically fortunate than yourself is one of the ugliest parts of human nature. People who have not been able to fill their buckets with the riches of the trickle-down economy deserve to live in trailers and deserve our trash talking. Or do they? All I ask for is a little equal time. Trailer trash is not the only angry alliteration on the block.
Huge House Heretics: This refers to people with 3,000 square feet or more and an average of more than one-half bathroom per bedroom. Unless they are running an orphanage, hospice or bed and breakfast, a house this size is an ego extension. Or, Freud might say, a compensation for some shortcoming. These structures block the sun for two square blocks and have enough garage space to hanger the Hindenberg.
Big Bench Bozos: Though not mutually exclusive of Huge House Heretics, Bench Bozos keep trying to play real estate king of the hill. Here they can not only look down at all the peasants, but also force all the lowlanders to stand in awe of their architectural travesties. Last I heard, Logan was going to widen the east side of Center Street to act as a larger conduit to the bench. It’s great that we’re all pitching in to make the bench the best.
Condo Cretins: Come on, who other than a cretin would fall for a condo scam? Not only do you pay a mortgage, but you have to share walls with neighbors. At least in a trailer park you have 10 or so feet of dead air space between you and the neighbors’ choice in music. On top of this, you have to pay bloated association fees to finance the lawn care and a pool boy.
Old House Hostages: You know them. They are your friends who can’t ever come out and play because they are constantly repairing or improving a structure that should have been stamped DOA years ago. They live in constant danger of plaster inhalation and consider paint stripper a recreational drug. A trip to Home Depot is a religious experience. They chant “sweat equity‚” but secretly long for the carefree life of vinyl siding and linoleum floors.
Appalling Apartment Atheists: These are the people subverting the American way of life by refusing to set sail on the mortgage ship of fools. They don’t mow their own lawns or fix their own broken water heaters. Of course, some of them are a minority oppressed by Lucre Lecher Landlords.
Slightly Off Center appears every Wednesday in the Statesman.Comments may be e-mailed to DHinkamp@msn.com