Column: Wasted Words; Turning shades of blue

“Do you like this one?” she asked.

“Actually, no. Not really,” I said.

“I think I’ll get it anyway.”

At first I just stood there in a state of shock. Then the anger started to set in. Throughout the duration of our relationship, I had never spoken out against her fashion sense or choice of garment. She’d always ask and I’d appease.

“Do you like the blue? Or the cobalt?”

Oh, Lord.

“The light blue? Or the sky?”

Kill me now.

There’s blue and then there’s blue-ish. Blue-green looks a lot like green-blue and vice versa.

Let’s not even talk about sea foam.

Still, I held my tongue, because that’s just what I do. It’s called passive- aggressiveness and may very well be the cause of what my physician refers to as “acute hypertension” when he’s not asking me to turn my head and cough.

I might also have hypothyroidism. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: Fatigue, depression, weight gain, irritability and abnormal menstrual cycles. The condition is more common amongst females, but that’s not really the point. I’m still waiting to hear back on the blood test.

“I need to sit down,” I said.

I looked left to no avail and then right. Nothing. I started to panic.

This wasn’t the first time I had fallen into the Gap. I was familiar with the terrain and felt reasonably sure I could navigate the sea of sweaters – through narrow passages of pea coats and corduroy reefs – to the comfortable chairs I knew the Gap always had.

I hated myself for knowing that, but I knew it.

“Excuse me, miss, is there any place I could sit down for a bit?” I asked one of the employees and she promptly pointed me to a chair in the fitting area.

It was as comfortable as I remembered. The mirrors directly in front of me, however, had me squirming a little.

My father had this great technique for inspiring shame in his children. Whether it was poor grades, a fight with a neighborhood kid or a crystal-meth addiction that led to teen pregnancy, he would always make us stand in front of a mirror and ask ourselves, “Did I do the best I could?”

I have an aversion to mirrors.

Sitting there in that comfortable chair, I asked myself if I was doing the best that I could. I asked myself if this is where I wanted to be for the rest of my life – trapped in a suburban shopping mall, having the great debate between V-neck and crew, cornflower and cerulean. It was depressing.

Or maybe it was just the hypothyroidism.

“Why do you look so blue?” she asked.

“Blue-ish,” I said.

Aaron Falk is the news editor for the Utah Statesman. Comments can be sent to acf@cc.usu.edu.