The communists are coming! The communists are coming!
In case you haven’t heard, there’s a pretty big game this weekend.
In fact, it’s so big that to call it a “big game” is an understatement. This game is freakin’ HUGE.
I know what you’re thinking, but Super Bowl, Stupor Bowl. There’s a better game this weekend. So get out the face paint and your Energizers …The University of Idaho is coming to town.
“Get real,” you say. “The Vandals can’t play with our Aggies. They don’t stand a chance. Why bother going?”
True. USU will probably win, and they’ll probably do so in landslide fashion. But this isn’t just any team we’re playing this weekend. The Vandals are the communists of the college basketball world. They are E-ville, like the fru-ets of the Dev-ille.
And they must be defeated so as to assure they don’t gain any more popularity than they already have.
The Vandals stand for everything that is wrong with our world today. Just look at their name, for crying out loud: THE VANDALS. They’re vandals. Vandals are outlaws, and so are most of the students at U of I.
Do you know what it takes to get into U of I? You don’t even have to have a pulse. All you need is a blood-alcohol level above the legal limit. That’s it. And if that blood-alcohol level ever slips down into the sober range, the dean of students will put you on academic probation.
I wish I were making this stuff up, but I’m not. I have friends at U of I, and they can’t remember anything since they checked into their dorm rooms during freshman orientation.
These are the types of grad students the University of Idaho is sending out into the world. Sure, it will make it easier for us to get a job when we graduate, but at what cost? These people are going to be a burden on the economy (although without them, beer sales in Idaho would decrease by 43 percent). They will drive up taxes, and it will cost you and me a fortune to keep a roof over their heads for the rest of their wretched lives.
And that’s why the Vandals must be defeated. That’s why Saturday night’s game is more important than any other game the Aggies have played this season.
The spread of Vandalism must be stopped at all costs.
Can you imagine the momentum U of I would gain if it was to upset USU? It could create a domino effect, and Vandalism would overtake city after city across the Big West Conference. Who knows where it would stop? The same type of anarchy that exists at the U of I might spread like wildfire through the rest of the world.
No, this is no ordinary game. There will be more on the line Saturday night in the Spectrum than a 26-game conference winning streak. This game is about liberty. It’s about feeling safe when you walk down the street. It’s about democracy.
And with any luck, it might just be about breaking into the Top 25.
Casey Hobson is a senior from Boise, Idaho, majoring in journalism. He can be reached at hobsonhut@hotmail.com