Column: Chew On This; Getting to know your columnist
Once in a blue moon, I don’t actually do anything so embarrassing I feel I need to share the story in my column.
In these extremely rare cases, I like to take a moment to answer a few of the many questions readers have e-mailed me in the last few months – except the ones with a lot of swearing. I put those on my refrigerator.? Q: Gee you’re tall, do you play basketball?? A: Wow, how original. I don’t go around asking short people if they are jockeys. Of course I like basketball, especially now during March Madness. It would be a real waste of height if I were an avid chess player – or jockey. At 6 feet 8 inches, I’m still waiting for Stew Morrill’s invitation to be on the USU team.
Q: What is your favorite breakfast cereal?
A: Obviously, Marshmallow Mateys and Frosted Mini Spooners are the most fun to use in everyday speech, but my absolute favorite has to be Crispix.? Q: You keep mentioning that you are used to a much milder climate on the East coast. How do you cope with the snow and severe winter weather experienced here in Logan?? A: Now that’s a loaded question! As a Virginian in Utah, I can stand winter weather for roughly 12.6 seconds at a time, making the long hike to campus somewhat of a dilemma. So I’ve devised a three-step plan for those fair-weather folks who made the uneducated decision to live in Cache Valley.? Step 1: Never go outside. Ever. A house on fire is still more temperate than those dratted canyon winds. In this age of technology, there are no pressing reasons to go outside. It does help to have an overly-eager roommate.? Step 2: Assuming you can’t follow the first step or have an unusual masochistic desire to freeze to death, make sure you have a coat. Don’t settle for a mere sweatshirt or windbreaker like the locals wear. Have it be so cumbersomely warm that small children mistake you for the surreptitious Yeti that roams Old Main Hill.? Step 3: If all else fails, move immediately. I realize that, ironically, this means that you will have to go outside. Won’t it sure be worth it, though, when you send all your Eskimo-clad friends digital photos of your deep, dark tan you “unintentionally” developed while doing homework on the beaches of Waikiki?? Q: Do you have any unique or hidden talents no one knows about?
A: Unbeknownst to most everyone, my left thumb is double-jointed. This lucky anomaly makes evasions in thumb wars quite easy. It also allows me to gross out really squeamish people. I love it.
Q: Would you like to comment in your next column on the Logan Wal-Mart controversy?? A: No.? Q: What is the dumbest joke you have heard recently?? A: What does a fish say when it runs into a wall? Damn!? Q: Can you relate any stories of childhood stupidity in your own life?? A: I can, and I will! An incident occurred at age 3, when I thought I was Superman. At least now I know for sure I am. But back then, as a little tyke, I thought I was invincible and decided to punch through a window. This bizarre action was followed by mass amounts of blood and a highly rational scream for my mom. Yup, even Superman has a mom to come and make things all better.
I still have a scar on my wrist from that fateful day. As you would expect, such an event has left me aspiring to be a much less impact-oriented superhero, perhaps like Mark Trail. But then again, he probably never gets the joy of answering silly reader e-mails.
Garrett Wheeler is a second bachelor’s student in technical theatre design. Send any comments or questions to
wheel@cc.usu.edu”