Column: What you never learned: Negotiating your way through life; A guide to returns, complaints and compliance

It finally happened to me.

I have spent 20 years of my life listening to people’s stories about finding bugs in their chicken nuggets, fingers in their chili, hair in their sandwiches and even a piece of glass in a salad once, but it never happened to me, until now.

While feasting on a delectable ham sandwich hand prepared by a local food establishment just to my liking, I looked down to determine my next bite when I saw it, perched between the leafy romaine lettuce and the mixture of mustard and mayo, a bright, red, peacefully dead ladybug. I’m not sure whether I caused the fatality or whether it was inevitable, I’m just glad I noticed her before it was too late.

At this point I walked my sandwich back to the venue from which I purchased the meal and explained the situation to them. I laughed as I explained to them the creature that attempted to crawl into my stomach. They were very apologetic and kind and in the meantime replaced my sandwich with a meal of my choice and refunded my money.

I have always had fairly good luck with working my way through retailers, of food or otherwise. The art of returns, negotiating, and carefully articulated complaining is a talent that I have acquired over the years.

I’ve managed to keep a record of this and to date I have received over $1000 in free merchandise and food, I have received eight new cell phones, I have switched cell phone company’s three different times and never once paid for a new phone or a cancellation fee, and to this day, my father won’t go buy a car without me there to help in the negotiation process.

In order to gain this ability with the retail sector, you must have extensive experience with shopping. This is something I have an no problem with. I have been an avid shopper for 19 years, and I have been on the other side of the counter as well for four since I entered the work force.

In all instances of negotiation, make sure you are talking to the manager first. Don’t try your turn at the employee and then ask for their boss, ask for the manager right as you walk in the store, if their not there, come back. Don’t complain to anyone except a manager, ever.

When making a return, there are two keys to remember. 1) You are a frequent customer and value the store as a whole and 2) You are disappointed with this isolated incident. Be sure to understand the return policy and reiterate it to the store employee who is helping you, and then explain why you are the exception.

“I understand that I can’t return this after thirty days, however when the zipper stopped working on day 31, I knew that your store would want to make sure that was taken care of.”

Retailers should know the customer is always right, so give them a reason to accommodate you, however retailers also like to be flattered, so being mean to them to get what you need is not the best way to go about it.

Cell phone companies have similar keys to remember 1) You enjoy their service, and have been pleased thus far. 2) but this one problem or issue has put you over the line.

This system has yet to fail me. Unfortunately with this one most of the time you need to do your negotiating over the phone, make sure you hang up and try back again until you can talk to someone that you can understand and can understand you.

With cell phone companies, they will always make you jump through a few hoops, the best advice is to go along with the first few.

Let them send you the same model of phone, prove to them that one is faulty and they will inevitably upgrade you for free. Let them monitor your dropped calls for a week or two and then prove to them your service simply isn’t working and your contract can be dropped within days free of charge. These tips are not isolated incidents, they have worked time and time again with myself, as well as friends and family.

Restaurants are by far the easiest finaglers, the managers of restaurants want everyone to be happy all of the time. Plus, if other diners see the manager treating you with absolute sympathy, it makes them look good and restaurant managers ALWAYS want to look good.

However, receiving a free meal by complaining at a restaurant can be extremely overused and underappreciated by too many people so I deliver this tip with caution. If there is something legitimately wrong with your meal, tell someone, but not just anyone, again, ask for the manager directly.

When you speak with them make sure they know it has nothing to do with your waiter, if the service was great but the food quality is the problem, make sure they know that so the waiter or waitress doesn’t get reprimanded on account of you.

However, don’t simply complain to the manager to get your meal for free. This is sometimes a struggle, because it is understood that receiving a blank ticket in exchange for complaining is so simple, but resist the temptation and only complain if it’s absolutely necessary and when you do, be tactful and pleasant, not stubborn and demanding.

If, however in the case you do receive a meal on the house, or compensation of any kind, the tip you leave for the server had better be at least two digits.

Emma Tippetts is a junior majoring in print journalism and law and constitutional studies. Comments or questions can be sent to

etippetts@cc.usu.edu