Preemptive Critics

“Basic Instinct 2”

More than a decade after the release of the original, Sharon Stone is back with “Basic Instinct 2” this Friday.

The film, however, won’t be opening immediately in Cache Valley.

While moviegoers tend to get upset or angered by the limited number of films shown in Logan, the preemptive critics would like to take a minute and remind all of us why we should be glad we don’t have to see “Basic Instinct 2” anytime soon.

Gravity.

Newton’s law of gravitation states that “every particle in the universe attracts every other particle with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them.”

We’re all familiar with the original film’s most famous scene and, let’s face it, we’re dealing with an additional 14 years of gravity here, folks.

Not a pretty sight.

I’m preemptively glad this film is nowhere near me right now.

-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu

“Slither”

“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.”

This classic anthem of the American playground, teaches children the important lesson that you can gain social acceptance by placing foreign objects into your mouth.

Tragically, this song does not address the issue of what happens if the worms turn out to be alien worms that burrow into your brain, turning you into an alien zombie or a giant blob full of more alien worms and the other kids still make fun of you.

Fortunately, to help awkward youths everywhere, the film “Slither” tackles this tough issue. Don’t worry kids, your true friends, the ones that really care about you, will love you no matter what kind freak of nature you turn into.

Remember kids, it’s the cops you need to worry about. They’ll shoot you.

A lot of people I’ve talked to have said this movie looks scary and/or disgusting. These people are missing the forest for the trees.

“Slither” has a simple plot, puppet monsters and important lessons. Don’t hate it just because it’s a children’s movie.

I bet the same people say “Ice Age 2” looks too kiddy also.

As for me, I intend to get some kids form the playground and take them to both.

For reminding children not to put alien larvae into their mouths, I preemptively love this film.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu

“Ice Age 2: The Meltdown”

Sequels are not allowed to be as good as the movie they’re following. It’s a rule of Hollywood. But lately, Hollywood hasn’t even cared if the original movie was any good. It thinks that simply by making a sequel it will validate the original.

Take “Bad Boys 2” for example. Does anyone even remember the first one?

Then came “2 Fast 2 Furious.” The original was already a cheap rip-off of a better film (“Gone in 60 Seconds”), so the sequel to that movie provided absolutely nothing new.

Then came “XXX: State of the Union.” As terrible of an actor Vin Diesel is, Ice Cube made him look like Tom Hanks with his mind-numbing performance.

And most recently, we were given “Underworld: Evolution.” The Holy Grail to Goths around the world.

All of these movies featured fake stunts, unreal guns (or cars), an excessive amount of cheesy one-liners and some of the worst acting in history.

Which brings us to “Ice Age 2: The Meltdown.” Like any sequel to a comedy, it has all the same jokes, the same plot, a new love-interest and low box-office returns.

But although this movie was totally unnecessary and will probably suck, I preemptively love any movie that has a pre-historic squirrel kung-fu fighting a school of piranhas.

-by Bryan Hinton/bhhinton@cc.usu.edu