COLUMN: Elvis and Nixon brains behind Lennon assassination
Casey Hobson Staff Writer
Is Elvis Presley dead?
It’s a simple question, yet no one can provide an equally simple answer. We’ve all heard the different conspiracy theories:
He’s in hiding.
He’s working for the CIA.
He’s dead, but he didn’t die in that hotel room like everyone thinks. Professor Plum killed him in the ballroom with the candlestick.
Why do I bring all this up? Well, the King has been on my mind a lot lately, as is usually the case at Christmas time. Elvis’‚ “White Christmas” is the only Christmas album I own. And as I sit and listen to it each year, I can’t help but wonder what really happened to the King.
I used to think he was still alive, but I gave up on that theory when his daughter, Lisa Marie, married Michael Jackson some four or five years ago. Had he been in hiding, that would have flushed him out. He would have come forth and put an end to that one before it ever happened. So I’m pretty sure he’s dead.
But that still doesn’t rule out a lot of the most popular conspiracy theories. Maybe he did work for the CIA. Maybe Professor Plum did get to him – though considering how much weight Elvis put on in his later years, I’d say if the professor did him in, it happened in the kitchen, not in the ballroom.
I guess what I’m getting at is that no one really knows of his whereabouts. He could be anywhere. For all we know, he might be sitting in the Taggart Student Center with a copy of the Statesman right now, reading this very article. (If that’s true, then Elvis, we love you. Please come back to us. I didn’t mean what I said about you and the kitchen and all that. You ain’t nothin’‚ but a hound dog, man.)
If I were a bettin’ man – and I am – I’d bet that if we grabbed a couple of shovels and marched down to Graceland and dug up his coffin, we wouldn’t find him – he’d be decomposed by now, close to 25 years ago.
Yet, the thought is intriguing, isn’t it? What if he is still alive? What if he’s been hanging out somewhere, riding the exercise bike and composing a comeback album? I think an Elvis comeback would financially surpass the KISS reunion (KISS just isn’t the same band without the makeup). Only a Beatles reunion could be more successful, and the assassination of John Lennon kind of shot the chances of that ever happening. And as long as we’re talking about the Beatles, I think Paul McCartney was the brains and talent behind the band. Lennon was just a pawn.
The FBI had huge files on Lennon. President Richard Nixon and FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover launched a massive investigation into Lennon’s private life, and uncovered that he had a talking parrot and a couple other useless tidbits. I wonder if Elvis wasn’t in on the investigation. CIA, FBI, WWF … it’s all the same. If Elvis was working for one agency, then he might as well have been working for all of them.
You laugh, but this theory actually makes sense. Think about it for a minute. Elvis ruled the rock’n‚ roll world during the ’50s. He was to teenage women what Brittany Spears is to high school and college men, construction workers and plumbers. He was the King of rock and roll. But Elvis’ reign ended in 1960 when he was drafted by the army and sent to Germany toward the end of the Korean Conflict. While Elvis was serving his country, his fans were turning their attention to four longhaired, soon-to-be rock stars from Liverpool, England – the Beatles. When the King returned from service, Lennon and comrades ruled the charts. I’m sure Elvis wanted nothing more than to see the Beatles shipped back to the British homelands.
So, (deep breath) Elvis faked his death, joined the CIA/FBI, got in good with Hoover and Nixon and launched a full-scale investigation on Lennon with the intent of ending the British Invasion and once again ruling the pop charts. But before Elvis could complete the investigation, Hoover died and Nixon resigned, and the file on Lennon was closed.
When word of the whole thing got back to Lennon, needless to say, he was a little miffed. So, he gave Professor Plum a candlestick, sent him over to the Presley Manor, and the rest is history. It’s just a matter of whether you believe Plum got Elvis in the ballroom or in the kitchen.
Just two question remain: Who ordered the hit on Lennon just a few short years after the Elvis “disappearance,” and why on Earth did Lisa Marie marry Michael Jackson?
I’ve got my theories on the first one, but I’ll never understand the Lisa Marie scandal. Mrs. Lisa Marie Presley Jackson – that one still gives me the willies.
Casey Hobson is a junior majoring in journalism. Comments can be sent to hobsonhut@hotmail.com