OPINION: Hinkamp asks, Can Skiing get more Trite?
Q: What’s the difference between a logging clear-cut in a pristine alpine forest and a ski slope?
A: A clear-cut grows back. Q: Why did Utah choose the slogan “The Greatest Snow Earth” when it so closely resembled the Ringling Brothers slogan “The Greatest Show on Earth?”
A: Both businesses attract a lot of bozos.
It’s OK to hate skiing. It’s just fine to own an automobile without a ski rack. You don’t need to have your computer hard-wired to all the ski reports. It is actually preferable in most fashion circles not to walk around with old ski lift tags flapping from the zipper of your jacket. I admit it. I’m as bitter as day-old convenience-store coffee when it comes to skiing. My ex dropped me like a campaign promise in December when she figured out that I was never really going to ski. This is my 20th year in Utah, and I have never downhill skied and don’t ever plan to. And I’m as comfortable as any vegetarian in the slaughterhouse could be. I just don’t get it. “The greatest snow on earth?” I don’t see Oregon putting the “greatest rain on earth” on their license plates or Kansas boasting that it is “The Tornado State.” Snow is just bad weather that Utah built a tourist industry around. Not to say I’m not glad for the tourist dollars, but it could have easily be redirected toward something more middle class and aesthetically appealing, such as stockcar racing or bass fishing. Saying that ski resorts are a beautiful use of Utah’s mountains makes about as much sense as saying those letters on the sides of our mountains are there to promote literacy. Skiing is an addictive behavior, and like all such behaviors it should be ridiculed and regulated. It’s not like I don’t have a few strange habits and nearly uncontrollable yearnings of my own. There is hardly a day that goes by that I don’t hear a pepperoni pizza and a pint of cold beer singing a siren’s song in harmony, but I don’t skip out on work to answer it. My sick days are more or less randomly distributed throughout all 12 months of the year. Check this statistic on a few of the ski bums where you work. I admire the creative excuses they concoct to coincide with fresh-powder days, but I have also become a proficient liar when explaining why I spent the weekend renting movies instead of plundering the slopes. “Gee, I’d like to ski, but I have these bad knees from saving all those children from burning buildings.” “I’ve stopped skiing because of the voices in my head that keep saying, ‘Cut the ski lift cables.'” “I’d like to ski, but I don’t have many clothes that go with magenta, and I look really bad with that raccoon goggle tan line thing. “I would ski, but I don’t really want to.” Yet, I’m far from a couch potato. I have won triathalons, marathons and played soccer and ultimate Frisbee with some of the best teams in the state. I can shoot 40 percent from the 3-point line and I have more sports paraphernalia of questionable value than REI’s dumpster. But not skiing makes me a non-athlete in Utah. I just prefer sports where you cannot be killed or injured by trees. Is skiing dangerous? I really can’t say, but I am constantly berated for not wearing a helmet on any bicycle trip outside of my driveway, while skiers routinely wear no more than a sock hat on their heads. You really don’t have to ski to talk about skiing. If trapped at a winter dinner party I can throw in key points such as, “go for it,” “black diamonds” and “those snowboarding kids are ruining everything” to bluff my way through to dessert. I save the serious ski rhetoric until after dinner when people have a few more drinks. For instance, what if the first thing I said about my girlfriend or spouse was, “She has a great 20-foot jump shot?” You’d probably consider me a little shallow. I have, however, met more than a few women who have introduced a significant other as, “This is my husband. He is a really great skier.” “Does he love you? Has he ever been convicted of a felony?” I think as I nod approvingly. “Awesome,” I say. “And do your children snowboard?”
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