Column: The Geek Beat; Beware the Ides of March of the penguins

I’ll be honest. I’m a little sad that ASUSU elections are over.

I mean, sure, the slogans are cliché, the positions are confusing and I literally stepped in horse droppings twice, but I miss having two people I’ve never met and will never see again fight over my love like divorcing parents.

But that was then and this is now. Let us cast off the eight-track tapes of school elections and embrace the MP3 player that is the weeklong shirkfest that is almost upon us: Spring Break.

I’d be lying more than a “14-year-old girl” in a chat room if I said I wasn’t a little bit jealous when I hear people talking about their plans for this next week. I know people who are going on cruises to the Bahamas, road trips to the coast even volunteering for human medical testing.

But don’t worry all you people out there who will be hanging around Logan because you have to work, don’t have enough money or can’t leave the state for legal reasons – I’ll be here too.

But that’s probably for the best. Spring Break can be a very dangerous time for college kids. There are all kinds of things that can kill you over Spring Break: drunk drivers, skin cancer, choking on a bikini top, the list goes on.

But this year’s Spring Break promises to be more dangerous than ever because the dreaded Ides of March fall smack-dab in the middle of it.

The same Ides of March that we’re suppose to beware?

Yeah, those Ides.

For those of you who don’t know, the Ides of March are like Friday the 13th for people who think they’re better than me because they read books that take more than one trip to the bathroom.

Really, Spring Break over an ominous date like the Ides is perfect for a slasher flick. You’ve got large numbers of attractive young people, far away from home in exotic locales.

Now I’m not saying that you will all for sure die on March 15. I’m just saying if you go skinny-dipping or investigate the rustling in the bushes this next week, you’re as good as dead.

And as far as I’m concerned, you deserve it.

But getting cinematographically hacked to pieces isn’t the only thing that can happen to you over Spring Break.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in my life – and in truth, there’s four – it’s that anything in life can be fatal. I knew a kid in grade school who, in a search of the ultimate sugar high, snorted a whole Smartie up his nose. He was in the hospital for three weeks.

There is the constant threat of penguin-related death. Ever since the movie “March of the Penguins,” more and more people have been going to Antarctica trying to find Morgan Freeman. These people are never heard from again. I can only assume penguins eat them.

I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but I’ve also heard rumors of people experiencing death by chocolate. I don’t know what it is, but I haven’t eaten a Hershey bar since.

Another definite health hazard undeniably associated with Spring Break is single-elimination, to-the-death martial arts tournaments.

Besides your usually underworld crime bosses and evil rebel generals, lots of travel groups like Club Med are starting to take advantage of Spring Vreakers’ inability to recognize the consequences of their actions by hosting lethal fighting contests.

I’ve actually entered one of these tournaments. It was a few years ago. Because of my inexperience and height, they put me in the junior’s division. I kicked the phonebook out of those kids and I went on to take second place in the non-to-the-death limbo competition.

The pain of being beaten to death by a giant Mongolian, however, is nothing compared to the pain of dying from a fatal Slurpee headache.

Don’t look at me like it couldn’t happen. Sixth grade, same kid, two weeks in the hospital.

There’s always the risk of starving to death on a poorly planned cross-country trek to pay homage to the great company of Nintendo in Redmond, Wa. There probably aren’t too many people at risk for this, but I know first hand how dangerous it can be.

Well, I don’t want to scare anybody. If I did, I’d tell you why I’m worried about chicken hot dogs.

So basically, be careful this next week. Remember who you are, call your mom from the airport and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Experiments with raising the dead are allowed.

So is geeking on.

Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and is currently trying to see if shoving a pineapple up nose should be added to this list. Comments and other potential Spring Break killers can be sent to steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.