The Preemptive Critics: ‘She’s the Man’ ‘The Hills Have Eyes’ ‘The Shaggy Dog’

‘She’s the Man’

In the last months of 2005, a slew of movies were released that dealt with such controversial subject matter as McCarthyism, racism, oil in the Middle East and homosexuality.

All of these movies topped the list for best picture. So this time around, it’s no surprise that Hollywood is wasting no time stirring things up.

“She’s the Man” is a gritty and unapologetic look at transvestites in our nation’s high schools. Director Andy Fickman won’t be holding back as he delves into this oft overlooked subject and will no doubt follow in Ang Lee’s Oscar-winning footsteps.

This year’s “Brokeback,” however, won’t be slighted by those conservative, Hollywood snobs.

Expect to see Amanda Bynes with Oscar in hand as she runs away with best actress, finally realizing the potential we all saw in “All That.” David Cross will finish the job Jake Gyllenhaal couldn’t by winning best supporting actor.

And finally, “She’s the Man” will be man enough to take home best picture.

For daring to be great, even in the face of tremendous controversy, I preemptively love this film.

-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu

‘The Hills Have Eyes’

No really, the hills have eyes. They follow you wherever you go. It’s really creepy.

Apparently, some time in our nation’s illustrious past, the government did some nuclear tests in the Nevada desert. Naturally, anything not killed was instantly mutated, hence the hills with the giant, nasty eyes.

But time goes on. Years later the Carter family, undeterred by the three-eyed rattlesnakes and giant scorpions, drives through the desert and gets attacked by the family of the monster from “Goonies.”

These monsters – stolen from the dumpster behind the Muppets studio – kill and torture the Carters until they discover the freaks secret weakness: Blows to the head with farm implements.

In the end, the family gets saved by a team of friendly mutants, lead by a roadrunner that shoots lasers out of his eyes.

I’ve never liked horror movies in general. They tend to make me scared to be alone in the situations portrayed in the movie. Like “Jaws” keeps me out of the ocean, or I won’t use the bathroom at night because of that scene in “The 6th Sense.”

I’m from Idaho. I need to be able to drive through long abandoned stretches of desert highway without wetting myself.

Remember, the lucky ones die first. Before this movie comes out.

I preemptively hate this movie.

-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc..usu.edu

‘The Shaggy Dog’

Does anyone remember when Tim Allen was cool? Or funny? Because, he used to be. No, really, just look at his track record:

The guy created a sitcom based on various forms of male grunting.

He starred in Dave Barry’s “Big Trouble” alongside a poisonous tree frog and some dude who liked to lick feet.

He practically created Pixar and paved the way for six-inch tall action figures everywhere.

He wrote an autobiographical book called “Don’t Stand Too Close to a Naked Man” about his experiences in prison. (Insert your own “drop the soap” joke here). The guy was in jail, and wrote a funny book about it. No, really, it was funny. Just read this:

“Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all end up with station wagons.”

See, he used to be cool … and funny.

But then he signed with Disney and, like Steve Martin, fell into the cutesy, family-film pits of cinematic hell.

In this “Shaggy Dog” remake, Allen is merely a pawn in Disney’s mass-market attempt to remind us how much better they used to be.

For resuscitating “Who Let the Dogs Out” from pop-music purgatory, I preemptively hate this movie.

-by Matt Wright/mattgo@cc.usu.edu