Column: The Geek Beat; Mastering the fourth dimension

This morning, when I woke up from my usual recurring dream involving Dr. No and a pie-eating contest, I made myself some breakfast.

I noticed a strange smell. I figured it was just me and went about the business of eating when I realized that it was the milk that had gone south.

Far, far south.

On one hand, I was happy because it meant I could go another day without a shower, but on the down side, I had already eaten half a bowl of cornflakes in cottage cheese.

I found myself wishing that I had drunk the milk before it changed color.

With this as my inspiration, I went and built myself a time machine: The Epoch-Bake Oven.

It’s really not that big of a deal. I had to build something as a semester project for my electrical engineering class anyway.

This isn’t my first experiment with time travel. Like all great scientists of our day, I drew heavily from the “Back to the Future” movies. In high school I tried converting my car into a time machine.

I got the flux capacitor working just fine, but it turns out there’s no way to get an ’84 Chevy Nova up to 88 miles per hour.

But that was the past. And this is the present. Although, now that I’ve got the Epoch-Bake Oven, these concepts have become a little blurry to me.

I have great plans for my time machine. I’m going to see all the important moments in history, like when Columbus stumbled onto the American continent, or when Hancock signed the Declaration of Independence, or maybe even the greatest moment in history: When Nolan Bushnell founded Atari.

Maybe I will go back to the first mime and kick him in the butt, just because I can.

While I’m meddling, I might as well go back to my first day of junior high and tell myself to wear clean underwear just in case – through no fault of my own – I lose my pants halfway through gym.

After I’ve seen everything in the past that I want to, I intend to head to the future.

I’m not looking to get rich by stealing future technology or placing bets on major sporting events, elections and surgeries that I already know the outcome of. I just can’t wait another four months to watch “X-Men 3.”

I’m sure there are doubters out there. I’ve dealt with skeptics before; I can do it again. Only this time I won’t be using a fire hose.

There are two main arguments that people use to prove their ignorance about me tripping the light fantastic through time.

Some say, “Time travel is impossible. Science says so and you can’t argue with science.”

You big baby! Of course you can argue with science. I do it all the time.

I learned a long time ago, in grade school, that science is nothing more that a bunch of rules that hold the universe together and rules only apply when the teacher is looking.

Like there was this one time when I was falling out of the top bunk and I realized that my force was actually greater than my mass times my acceleration.

It was awesome. I was all like, “In your face science!”

And you know science is a sore loser and he wouldn’t say anything.

The second issue people have with me traveling through time is that I’ll mess up the time line. They’re afraid that I’ll mess up some past event that will have disastrous ramifications on the present and future.

Timeline schmimeline. That’s what I always say.

I’ve been traveling through the present for 24 years now and my actions haven’t had the slightest effect on anything. I highly doubt that’s going to change just because I’m in the old West.

If anyone else still doubts that I have a working time machine, ask yourself this: if I don’t have a time machine, how am I able to write about what I had for breakfast today when this column had to be submitted last night?

Now who’s stupid? You, that’s who.

As for the rest of you, thank you for your support.

You may continue to geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science who is currently mooning Queen Victoria. Comments can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu