The Pre-emptive Critics
‘Disturbia’ A young man is confined to his house. Because he’s never heard of TV or the Internet, he spends his time spying on his next-door neighbors hoping to catch someone in the shower. He catches someone in the shower all right, a shower of blood. Discouraged, he spies on another neighbor, hoping to see them in the bath. He sees them in the bath all right, a bath of death. A little grossed out, he watches the people across the street, hoping to view them doing something normal, like mowing the lawn. Oh they mow the lawn: a lawn of murder! I’m a little bit disturbia-ed about how similar this film is the Hitchcock classic “Rear Window.” On the other hand, this film makes me think my neighbors and their all night no-pants parties aren’t so bad. I guess I pre-emptively love this movie. By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu’Redline’ Fast cars, easy women and a steady helping of Eddie Griffin. No, I’m not talking about “Fast and the Furious 5” (Paul Walker is probably filming that this very moment), I’m talking about the new cinematic feature “Redline.” “Redline” is one of those movies where you will cry more for the $500,000 car that was just wrecked, than for the crappy, stereotypical background character who was just killed. Car racing movies live in their own Hollywood-created fantasy world where illegal car racing actually takes place with cool cars. The people that have enough money to blow on a Ferrari aren’t racing it on crowded city streets for “the thrill.” Also, I swear, in one of the previews I saw for this movie, it appeared that they were racing through Las Vegas. I have no idea what these people are thinking, but Las Vegas is just about the only place in the country that you will be able to find a traffic jam at 3 in the morning. A better, more accurate (and possibly more amusing) movie would be called “Bumper to Bumper Traffic in Sin City: The Story of a Lamborghini Stuck in Traffic on Las Vegas Boulevard.” I pre-emptively hate this movie. By Aaron Peck/aaronpeck@cc.usu.edu’Pathfinder’ I may not have been a very good Boy Scout, but my short time in the program did teach me some very important things. First, I learned why squirrel isn’t the other white meat. And second, I learned that making your own path is never a good idea. Sure, it may have landed some folks in the history books. But for most of us, making paths only hurts the foliage and gets your homely seventh-grade class picture on the news with the caption “Missing Boy Scout.” So I’m a little wary of a movie named “Pathfinder.” Especially when the foliage it tramples is one Christopher Columbus. This movie tells the story of some Vikings who boated their way over to the Americas 600 years before Columbus and killed a bunch of people. To that I say, “So what?” There’s a reason we have Columbus Day and not “Gory-Story-About-Some-Dumb-Vikings” Day. So next time you’re thinking about doing some path finding, pull out your 7th grade picture, think about all of the Federal employees who rely on their paid holidays, and make a dumb joke about even dumber Vikings. Because I post-emptively love Chris Columbus, I preemptively hate “Pathfinder.” By Zach Pendleton/zpendleton@cc.usu.edu