Not just daddy daycare
It’s only been in the last few years that Danielle Johnsen realized something about her father: When she was growing up, he never told people what he really did.
Instead, she said, her father would label himself as dis
abled and unable to work, something that was true, but only
part of the story. Though Daniel Kite was unable
to work due to his Meniere’s disease, an inner-ear disorder,
Johnsen said her dad also had a full-time job. He raised her
as a stay-at-home father.
“Lately that’s been bothering me, that he always just said
he was disabled,” said Johnsen, a sophomore majoring in
social work. “He had a job. But he does feel like he has to
explain himself to people. And I think it is because when
someone is a stay-at-home parent, it is usually the mom.”
Stay-at-home fathers are becoming more common these
days. According to a 2005 U.S. Census Bureau Report, there
are an estimated 143,000 stay-at-home fathers, caring for
245,000 children under age 15. But 25 years ago, when Kite
began staying home with Johnsen, it was almost unheard of.
Kite, who now lives in Tennessee, said when he was first diagnosed with Meniere’s disease he tried to continue to work. But he kept having episodes, which he described as “like having the flu,” that would leave him bedridden, unable even to talk or walk. Sometimes it would take several weeks to fully recuperate. Kite said he was left with no choice but to quit his job as a welder.
“It was very hard. I was used to working,” Kite said. “I was always taught that the man was the breadwinner of the house. The first couple of years, it was an awful strain, trying to go to work, trying to do what’s right. I hated my wife to go to work, but it was something that had to be done.”
So Kite said his wife went to work as a school librarian, and he stayed home with baby Danielle, to do “the best (he) could.”
What followed was a normal-sounding childhood. Kite took Johnsen to doctor appointments and haircuts. He let her “help” with home improvement projects and yardwork. He took her on errands.
“I have Lowe’s memorized,” Johnsen said. “He took me everywhere and was always working on a project.”
Kite said his favorite memories from raising Johnsen are when they would watch “The Price is Right” together, and when they would play the card game Memory.
“She would literally beat the pants off of me,” Kite said.
And when Johnsen got older, Kite said he would stand at the window every day to watch as she cut across fields walking home from junior high to make sure he was there when she got home.
But despite all that, Kite still felt stigmatized for what he was doing.
“People say, ‘Gee, here’s a bum, you know, making his wife go to work while he just sits around the house.’ But I didn’t just sit around the house. I did things, I’m a handyman,” Kite said.
Johnsen said she has encountered the same kind of stereotypes when she tells people her father was a stay-at-home dad.
“Some people are surprised when I say, ‘Yeah, he’s got a degree in engineering,'” she said. Kite holds a bachelor’s degree in safety engineering and public relations from Central Missouri State University as well as an associate degree in welding from the Utah Technology Center.
She said other people just assume her dad stayed home because her mom made a lot of money, which was not the case either.
“It was tight sometimes,” Johnsen said. And Johnsen said her father reacted to those misconceptions with a reluctance to tell people he was a stay-at-home father.
“I don’t think guys are as proud of it as they should be,” Johnsen said.
Jana Darrington, a lecturer in the family, consumer and human development program, said though such stigmas surrounding stay-at-home fathers are loosening, they still exist in society because of the general conception of men being providers.
“That is still a main component and a main idea in our society about men’s roles,” Darrington said. “It depends on his personality, but that potentially does place a lot of pressure on him if he is feeling the lack of being a provider.”
But Darrington said there is no major difference for the children of stay-at-home mothers or fathers, except that the father can create a greater bond with his children, especially with daughters.
“Research shows that fathers tend to bond more with their sons than with their daughters. Staying home would increase that bond with daughters. They’re more involved, they’re spending more time with them,” Darrington said.
Johnsen said she thinks that is true in her case.
“Now I think I am equally close to both parents, and I think if he hadn’t been a stay-at-home parent, I wouldn’t be. I’d just be close with my mom,” Johnsen said.
Kite agreed, saying that he is closer to Johnsen than he is to his older son, who was raised by Kite’s wife while Kite was still able to work. He joked that Johnsen is more like him as well, for better or for worse.
“I guess she acts like me in a lot of ways. I guess that’s one of the biggest problems,” Kite said.
Johnsen said she appreciates that her dad was always there for her. She said when she was in school, she could always call him if she was sick or needed something, a luxury she noticed her friends didn’t always have.
“He would always say, ‘OK, I’ll come pick you up,'” Johnsen said. “I really liked that. I think my mom would have told me just to deal with it.”
Johnsen said now that she and her husband Chris are expecting a child of their own, it is their hope to always have one parent stay home, whichever it may be.
“It depends on which one of us gets the better job,” Johnsen said. “I think there should always be a parent home, but I don’t think it matters which one.”
Darrington said the most important advice she can give to any stay-at-home father is the same as she would give to mothers: to make sure that they understand what is developmentally appropriate for their child, and to help their child
become emotionally intelligent.
Kite said his advice is just for fathers to let their wives and children know that he loves and cares for them.
“That’s what I always tried to do,” Kite said. “I hope I did a good job. She turned out pretty good.”
-jenbeasley@cc.usu.edu