COLUMN: What I meant to say is…
This is not an apology. This isn’t an “I’m wrong, you’re right” type of column. This is an explanation.
In life there is always an exception. The hardest part is being honest enough with ourselves to agree if we fit the exception rather than facing the facts of life.
Because of my last column, I was accused of condemning women to be slaves, which was not at all my intention. I was applauding those wives and mothers who have chosen to stay home to fight the good fight from that front. There are cases where a wife and/or mother must work to be able to support a family. There is nothing wrong with that. But there is a difference between the word “must” and the word “want.” Everyone is so caught up in the exceptions in life and thinking of the what-ifs that they neglect to see the real picture.
I previously stated, “…we now live in a world where the word housewife has been synonymous with subjectivity and powerlessness.” This is true. Let’s wash off the war paint for two seconds and let that sink in.
Society tells us it is no longer is it OK for a wife and/or mother to stay home without feeling left out or having a feeling of unaccomplishment. All I am saying is that is wrong. These mothers who choose to stay home and dedicate their lives to being a wife and mother should be congratulated.
I also said, “Women have become so self-centered that even their own children become second to their own desires…” Nowadays we see and hear of single women with children who act as if they are 21 again. They live doing whatever they want, whenever they want, living like a typical single college student. They stay up late with friends when their children need help with homework. They pull their children out of school because they want to go on a trip with their boyfriend and can’t find a babysitter. They spend money on new clothes, makeup and jewelry to enhance their appearance when that money could be saved for the future of their children.
Buying something nice for yourself is great every once in while, but a pattern is sometimes created of single mothers consistently putting themselves before their children. They do these things disregarding the serious negative impact this has on their children.
Princeton professor Sara McLanahan, monitoring 5,000 single mothers that were romantically involved with several partners from 1998 to 2000, recently did a study showing that after a period of time, the children showed serious signs of stress from all the relationships their mothers were having. Only a few of these women reported having the desire to marry.
I understand that in life unfortunate things happen – infidelity of a spouse or the physical and emotional abuse that occur in some marriages – and my heart goes out to those people who have to suffer the pains that comes with dealing with an event of that magnitude. But according to many experts, the No. 1 reason for divorce within the United States is not infidelity or abuse but the lack of communication. Am I stating that this is entirely the women’s fault? Are you crazy? Of course not – it takes two to tango.
The number of single parents’ homes where the father is the caretaker of the children has gone up dramatically in the last couple of years, 62 percent in fact, in the last 10 years. Although that percentage is still vastly outnumbered by number single mothers raising children, the importance of fathers in the home should not be overlooked.
We all know the sad reality that comes with being a single parent. The Census Bureau states that 63 percent of youth suicides are from fatherless homes; according to Rainbows for all Gods Children, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping children through crises, 75 percent of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes; and according to the Center for Disease Control, 85 percent of all children with behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
What am I trying to say?
Yes, I agree that fathers have just an equally important role in raising children. The numbers prove that, and it is something that I agree with. I know and understand there are life lessons and skills that only a father can teach and acknowledge the important role a father plays in the lives of his children.
Am I saying that all single parents are doomed for failure? No.
But I’m sorry to say that the odds are not in their favor.
Wives and mothers, single or not have one of the hardest jobs on the planet. According to a study conducted by CNN, if mothers were paid for their labors, they would earn $134,121 a year. Yes, it does take a team to raise children, but even within a team, there are different responsibilities.
I will not take back the comment I made that when you have children, your life is no longer yours. This is true. Having children is not the robbing of one’s identity; it is the adding to it. You are now not only a woman but a woman and mother: the greatest title that could be given.
Am I saying you must give up hobbies and things you like to do? Are you kidding? I’m saying though you have things you like to do, they cannot take precedence over children. In the animal kingdom, there is no creature more dependent on his or her parents than humans. Therefore, in all reality, your life is not only yours, but theirs too.
A CBS News story, “In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms,” showed the number of mothers leaving the work force to stay home with their children has gone up 15 percent in the last couple years. Studies have shown – not my opinion – an increase in productivity of the children whose mothers left work and chose to stay at home.
Christine Kasper, a graduate from Miami University in psychology and sociology with a bright future in that career and one of the women studied and interviewed during this story, decided her real career was at home after having her two boys.
She said, “I pictured myself as a successful business woman… but saw that my skills were needed elsewhere.” To those who said she was wasting her education she worked so hard for, she responded, “…You can’t call raising productive members of society a waste. For crying out loud, it’s a colossal feat. They are the future and that can’t possibly be a waste, and is far from lazy.”
Everyone has their own style in the way they choose to lead their lives, and there isn’t anyone who can say who is right or wrong because it is all based on your point of view. I merely want to applaud all those women who have chosen or are choosing to stay at home in an effort to use their skills for the betterment of their families and children.
Scott Anderson is a junior in aviation technology. Comments can be sent to seanderson@cc.usu.edu.