Better than coal, but not much
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth – my two front teeth. See my two front teeth?
Arrrgh! Every December since I was actually excited about getting my front teeth back, that excruciating song has been stuck in my head.
When I was a little tyke, my brother and I liked to listen to Christmas music way too much. We never enjoyed well-performed music, like songs sung by professional choirs and experienced musicians. We preferred our kiddie Christmas tape.
I am sure that just thinking about it still gives my parents the heebie jeebies.
Classics on the tape include the lack of teeth song, the one about a multilingual Spanish kid, the chipmunk one and two that made me paranoid until I was 13.
One of those discusses how my mom was apparently cheating on my dad with Santa Claus. We never had a fireplace, so when I was mature enough to realize that in his old age, Santa couldn’t possibly remember everyone’s security system entry code, I was relieved. It turns out that it was just Dad who ate the cookies. He always spills crumbs.
The other was about how Santa watches you everywhere and all the time. I had to sleep with one eye open at night. I was convinced the scary shadow coming in my bedroom window was Santa peering in, ready to thwack me on the head with a lump of coal.
It also took several years until I finally stopped looking for hidden cameras in the bathroom when I had to pee. You’d better believe I was good for goodness sake.
Now that the terror is over, the only tough part about the holidays is mustering a big smile when someone gives you something weird or useless for a present.
Like when wicked, old Aunt Melba knits you a mutant sweater with only one arm hole. Or when everyone seems to gang up on you by giving gifts like soap, deodorant, shampoo and toothpaste. I may be musty, but don’t be that painfully obvious about letting me know.
To help people have an easier time shopping this year, I decided to make a list that includes items I’d love to receive. Originally, I included items like:
•Some new moving electronic duck decoys. It’s a handsome addition to anyone’s front yard. It’ll also be fun to watch the confused amazement of the kitties.
•A graduate text in mathematics. It’s what I’ve always wanted since I went to Junior Euclidians camp. I hear the USU Bookstore has some “exciting” titles on sale.
•A 10 pound bag of alphabet refrigerator magnets. I’ll be able to leave tasteless messages on public bathroom stall doors wherever I go.
But now it’s time to forget all of those things. I’ve crossed them off my list. Because of waning gratitude for my current lavatory situation, all I want for Christmas this year is a Toto Neorest.
Yes, the Neorest is the Cadillac of toilets. Check it out at www.totoneorest.com. At the low price of $3,500, this porcelain throne has everything. From automatic flushing and seat raising to a built-in washlet and seat warmer, I’d wager to say that if MacGyver owned a toilet, this would be it.
And if, heaven forbid, you’re in trouble, there’s a manual override switch which allows you to escape from the vicious, cyclonic flushing suction of the Neorest. If you’re lucky, you can get the upgrade that will remove the unsightly, hickey-like suction marks from your rear.
The only missing feature seems to be the ability for the john to communicate. Haven’t you always wanted a talking toilet? Well maybe that’s kind of creepy, but hey, I could program it to say things to visitors in my home.
“Ouch! Too heavy! Get up, get up, get up, get up!”
“Did something crawl up there and die?”
“What have you had to eat? Good Heavens! I’m worried!”
“We’ve talked about your lactose intolerance. Now I’m growing intolerant. Don’t upset me, Dave!”
Or maybe it could just bark loudly like a Rottweiller. Now that would seriously scare the crap out of someone!
Hopefully that’ll keep nosy neighbors from coming over and bothering me just to try out my cool toilet. If not, this’ll make them think twice:
The Neorest has tons of gadgets yet to be discovered, and at this time of year, you never know how “you-know-who” may be watching you.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
Happy holidays!
Garrett Wheeler is a second bachelor’s student in technical theatre design. Send any comments or column ideas to wheel@cc.usu.edu.