Column: The Geek Beat
I made three horrible mistakes over the break.
The first being that I didn’t get my holiday shopping done in time. I ended up having to give my mom an ornament made from a Styrofoam ball and some yarn. It didn’t get the same reaction as it did 15 years ago.
The second one I don’t even want to get into. Just take it from me – there are no magic beans.
The final mistake, and the one I’m most ashamed of and will therefore spend the most time talking about, was that in a moment of weakness, I spent good money to rent “Alien vs. Predator.”
For those of you who think that Optimus Prime is some sort of math term, let me explain the total suckburger that was this movie.
It started with the perfect premise, the two most deadly life forms in the universe were going to duke it out and finally settle countless arguments in the back rooms of comic book stores across the country.
I was set up to see the ultimate showdown. I wanted a special-effects action masterpiece that would make my jaw drop and my mind race with excitement.
What I got was ’80s-style pro wrestling.
After I dried my eyes and finished looking up new swearwords to use, I thought about why I even cared so much. I figured out it wasn’t the fact that I sat through a bad movie. I do that every time it’s my wife’s turn to pick the show.
I realized my reasons for being upset weren’t about entertainment. They were scientific. I really wanted to know who would win.
Movies like this are born from a deepest part of every geek’s soul. The part of each one of us that will stay up late at night – while other people are contemplating the meaning of life or thinking about sex – wondering who would win in a fight, the Hamburglar or the guy who does the “Numa dance.”
So in order to fill the gap in my life Hollywood created, I decided to provide the definitive guide to who would win some of the most highly contested rivalries in the whole geek kingdom.
Spiderman vs. Wolverine: I don’t know why, but this one always comes up. I have friends who still aren’t on speaking terms because of this one. Let me explain it as simply as I can.
A wolverine could beat up a spider.
A man could beat up a wolverine.
So a spider and a man could certainly beat a wolverine.
Case closed.
The Death Star from “Star Wars” vs. the Borg cube from Star Trek. This one is another classic. It stems from a much deeper rivalry that permeates the geek world. No, not “Star Wars” and “Star Trek,” circles and squares. Cubers and sphereboys have been at each others’ throats for years.
As for who would win, ball-shaped spaceships can go down stairs better than cubed ones, so until they make Slinky-shaped star cruisers, Death Star for the win.
Joe vs. The Volcano: I predict midway through the third round, Joe will throw a strong right hook that will catch the cocky volcano by surprise giving he victory to the plucky underdog, Joe.
Garfield vs. Poppa Smurf: No matter who wins, I win.
BYU vs. USU: No contest. The forces of evil may have the advantage of numbers, but as soon as I can hurl that ring (get it BYU, ring, marriage?) into the volcano, the ground will open up and the only thing left in Provo will be the Chucky Cheese.
King Kong vs. Godzilla: This would be a fairly even battle if it were to take place in their natural environment of a major metropolis. Kong would gain the upper hand once he got his ape hands on some large barrels. At this point, the only way Godzilla could pull off a victory would be to enlist the help of a fat plumber.
The Kool-Aid man vs. the Berenstein Bears: OK, I’ll admit not too many people ask about this one. I just think it would be really cool.
So there it is, my final word on these subjects. If you have any more match-ups or mysteries of the universe, let me know.
Until then, geek on.
Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and
currently has a lobster and raccoon in a box and is
poking both of them vigorously. Comments can be sent to steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.