The Preemptive Critics: ‘Glory Road’ ‘Hoodwinked’ ‘Tristan and Isolde’

“Hoodwinked”

I have a message for Hollywood. Stop with the fads. I know that every few years, movie producers worldwide decide they’ve found the secret ingredient that will ensure that people show up in droves for their films.

I’ve seen them all. I lived through annoying child sidekicks, super intelligent dogs and leading ladies caught in the rain (I never said they were all bad).

The current cinema snake oil seems to be computer animation which has lead the makers of “Hoodwinked’ to think they could turn the ten minute story of Little Red Riding Hood into a full-length motion picture.

I would not see this show, not even for a Klondike bar.

When computer generated movies first burst out onto the screen, they would take years to develop. From the look of “Hoodwinked,” people have just stopped trying.

Instead of popcorn, they should sell breakfast cereal because this thing looks like a glorified Saturday morning cartoon but with more product placement and less chances to use the bathroom.

I’m sure this will surprise you, but Patrick Warburton will be providing his voice to the production, making this his googleth appearance as an animated character.

From what I can gather, they got the name from what they’d have to do to people to get them to watch this film.

I preemptively hate this movie.

-Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu

“Tristan and Isolde”

Though the public tries to blame Hollywood for everything from increased violence and disintegrating moral values to the current Bush administration and Al Franken, there’s at least one reason we should be grateful this January for those schmucks out in California:

“Tristan and Isolde.”

I mean unpronounceable names and ancient legends no one really cares about aside, the film, which is rated PG-13 for INTENSE BATTLE SEQUENCES and some sexuality, might just prove that men and women really can coexist.

Building on gender stereotypes, this movie’s got something for everyone: You girls want sappy and/or passionate romance with a love that conquers all? Sure thing. You guys want blood feuds, sword-crossing action and the violent death of the main characters? Not a problem.

In “Tristan and Isolde,” the battle of the sexes is suspended just long enough for men and women to finally agree on a movie to watch. And married couples can always send their kids to “Hoodwinked.”

But beyond all that, I’ll be watching a very noble knight fight for the bed of a very married queen of England because that very married queen just happens to be Sophia Myles.

For giving me another tragic couple not to name my children after, I preemptively love this movie.

-Matt Wright/mattgo@cc.usu.edu

“Glory Road”

In the wee hours of Nov. 3, 2004, with Ohio’s electoral votes up in the air, I bet against a man from Texas and I lost.

A year or so later, I’m watching the Rose Bowl and I bet a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon on USC. I mean, the Trojans have only won, like, 34-straight games. Then, wouldn’t you know it, Vince Young goes untouched into the end-zone on a freaking fourth down and Texas wins.

Apparently, you really shouldn’t mess with Texas.

So when “Glory Road,” the story of basketball coach Don Haskins’ 1966 Texas Western team which was the first team to feature an all-black starting lineup, hits theaters Friday, I’m not about to make the same mistake.

If I were a betting man – and I am – I’d bet you $14 and two 12-packs of PBR that Texas Western beats Kentucky 72-65 in the championship game.

Any takers?

For making me a wealthy, wealthy man, I preemptively love this movie.

-Aaron Falk/afc@cc.usu.edu