COLUMN: When Man fights Nature, everybody wins – well, except maybe the fish
I don’t watch TV to learn anything. I never have. The only reason I watched “Sesame Street” was to make fun of that big elephant thing, and plot a coup de tat of Big Bird’s evil regime. I figured if I studied the bird’s habits in its natural environment – a street named after a kind of hamburger bun – I could find a way to swiftly bring him down.
It all went wrong. The plan didn’t go according to plan. It was a mess – I lost a lot of good men out there.
But enough painful PBS flashbacks.
I watch TV to be entertained. I don’t care if it is detrimental to my intellect. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that I prefer TV that may actually be killing brain cells.
I have too many of those damn things anyways. And the ones that survive the constant barrage of stupidity vaguely disguised as a cartoon dog and a cat whizzing on an electric fence or a mullet-wearing canine bounty hunter are better off.
Darwin said only the strong survive. So the brain cells that survive the hell I put them through are going to breed and create more cunning, rough and rugged brain cells. Super-brain-cell evolutionary theory, if you will.
But there’s been a startling change in my TV habits of late. I’ve been watching the Discovery Channel.
Eee. Gasp.
Don’t worry though, I don’t think I’m learning anything.
I’ve been watching “Man vs. Wild” lately. If you haven’t seen this show, it’s awesome. Oh, that doesn’t help you out any. OK. Basically, this guy goes out and survives in a different place each episode. And it’s not just any guy. This guy is Bear Grylls. Yeah, that’s how you spell it – it’s the most awesomest way possible, isn’t it?
Bear basically makes Nature his scantily clad servant wench. And how couldn’t he, with a name like Bear Grylls? His name combines two of the greatest things in the world – bears and grills. Both are manly too, so that’s a huge plus.
I’m sure Bear is trying to tell me something about how to survive, but I can’t pay much attention with all the sweet stuff he does, like Bear bit the head off of a snake and ate the rest of the body while it was still wiggling around. That’s hardcore.
He caught a trout with his Bear hands (Get it? Ha.), and took a huge bite out of it. The fish wasn’t alive – he beat it upside the head with a rock. I’ve also seen Bear throw a stick and kill a rabbit and raft down a river using only his coat.
All this stuff is cool, but I wouldn’t be able to do this stuff if I was stranded in the Rockies. I’d probably just sit and cry. No I wouldn’t. I’d do lots of inappropriate things and try to start a fist fight with a bear cub.
Bear’s strategy is to just punch Nature in the face and take its lunch money. Me, I’m all about talking trash, getting in Nature’s head and winning the battle that way.
Although I couldn’t do what he does, I admire the hell out of Bear’s exploits. He’s climbed Everest, done a bunch of cool Army stuff and probably eaten thousands of live snakes.
The only thing that remains to be seen is who would win in a fight, Bear Grylls or Chuck Norris?
I know we all admire Chuck because if we didn’t, Chuck would unleash a fury of roundhouse kicks on our pathetic heads that would turn us to dust, which Chuck would then clean up using the manliest Swiffer ever. I heard it makes emo kids burst into flames with just one look.
Chuck is also man enough to impregnate women with just one look. But can he stand up to the Bear?
My vote used to be for Chuck, but I’m just not so sure anymore. Bear consistently bludgeons Nature into submission, and Nature is a pretty powerful thing – hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanoes, snow in April. By the way, Bear did actually dominate a volcano in Hawaii.
I’m not sure we’d survive such an epic battle between two titans of manliness. The heightened testosterone levels during the fighting would probably cause some cataclysmic disturbance in the world’s wind patterns, or send us into a testosterone winter, which is basically like nuclear winter, except the sun is blotted out by an unending sea of flannel.
Even though it surely means the end of the world, I’m promoting the fight and taking bets – if anyone’s interested.
David Baker is currently hanging around the bad part of Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood. He can still be reached at dabake@cc.usu.edu.