LETTER: 2002 Games’ mascot to be Mad Cow Disease

Dear Editor,

Mad Cow Disease is getting mean. All over the earth, bovine organs and muscles are going extinct. Chain-Me-To-A-Redwood, Inc., is petitioning Congress to declare beef an endangered species. Ranchers are suddenly clogging up help hotlines and trying to hack into government tax records. Obviously if something isn’t done soon, Dr. Kevorkian gift certificates will dominate the world market.

I can make no psychological conclusion about ranchers’ attitudes. If this Mad Cow Disease does what its name says, then livestock should be going mad left and right. If I were a rancher, I’d much rather deal with crackpot cows than bored cows. That’s a no-brainer. But the sad reality is: Mad Cow essentially turns the animals’ brains into green Jell-O. That’s why Salt Lake Olympic officials are buying diseased cow heads from British ranchers (green Jell-O is the official food for the 2002 Games).

And what’s more, the FBI reports that officials are purchasing the Jell-O-filled heads using new and illegal Utah currency. This is coinage currency, and the coins feature Temple Square on one side, Temple Square on the other side and Temple Square on the reeding. After analyzing the coins in their lab, the FBI further reports the coins to be composed of melted-down beer cans, coffee cans, cigarette lighters and tea strainers.

However, we’re tired of hearing about Salt Lake Olympic prattle, and Utah’s hopeless quest for greatness … So now, back to our original noteworthy topic – Mad Cow.

In conclusion, to the world’s many ailing agriculturists: Forget about raising bovines and grow crops instead. You can even stir the cattle carcasses, green Jell-O and all, into your soil. Then sow the seeds, reap the resources and sell the food – the plant food. Plant food that can feed 10 times as many people as beef can. Plant food that will cut out energy losses of 90 percent. Plant food that will reduce overgrazing, pollution and world hunger. Even in Utah, believe it or not, there’s a yin and yang to “everythang.”

BJ Watkins