Preemptive Critics

“Rent”

The trailer for “Rent” starts with a beautiful shot of the New York City skyline. This, of course, put me into a bad mood because there was no giant, rampaging monkey in sight.

“Rent” asked the poignant question of “how do you measure a year?” and gave several possible answers. Let me tell you how I measure a year. It’s not in daylight, nor midnight, nor pots of coffee. I measure a year in how many crappy musicals turned into a movie I have to sit through. And the answer is one.

I’m not saying that musicals suck. They do, but I know better than to say something like that in a newspaper.

I’m just saying that musicals should not be turned into movies. That’s just cheating. I think that musicals should stay on Broadway where only smart and talented people have to watch them.

In conclusion, I round up why I preemptively hate this movie to the tune of the only musical, I really know, Phantom of the Opera’s “Music of the Night”

“Soon we will have, “Rent” made as a movie / The tale of eight young folk who are groovy / They will sing and dance, too / I’d kill for the chance to / Kick them in the head, you heard me right / I’d rather have a Harry Potter night.”

-steveshinney@cc.usu.edu

“In the Mix”

Like most teenage boys, growing up I was fascinated by Freddie Prinze, Jr., movies.

So the 12th time I watched “She’s All That” in the theater, something, or someone rather, caught my eye – a young, soap-opera actor and musician named Usher Raymond, stretching his acting skills to play the part of a DJ at a high school prom.

“Do that dance I taught you,” Usher yells over the P.A. for his only line in the film.

Right then, and right there, I knew this man was destined for silver-screen greatness.

Now, six year later, Usher makes good on his potential, taking the leading role as a – dun, dun, dun – DJ turned mafia bodyguard in “In the Mix.”

He’s like a bebopin’, break dancin’, poppin’ and lockin’ Kevin Costner. I-EE-I will always love you.

I’m preemptively quivering with anticipation, and choking on a great deal of sarcasm.

-Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu

-afk@cc.usu.edu