COLUMN: Tips on making a run for it – on campus
Before I get to the actual subject of my column today, I need to get something out of the way first. I know everyone is thinking it, but I’m going to be the first to say it. What the heck is the statue of Paul Bunyan doing tied up to that post on the sidewalk between the Merrill and the TSC? When I first saw it, I thought that maybe it was just a really early election campaign for a folklorish candidate. Well, not only was there no Paul Bunyan on the ballot, but he’s still tied up there even though elections are over, so it appears my first suspicion was off.
Not only is the unfortunate statue tied up to the post rather unsympathetically, he also seems to be missing a leg, and is in a generally poor condition. So I guess the only purpose I can imagine behind this graphic display is that it is a warning to all other tall tale figures to stay off USU campus. I personally didn’t know that folklore character infestation was a problem on campus (wouldn’t you think that Babe the Blue Ox would be a close relative if not a good friend to Big Blue?), but Johnny Appleseed, if you’re out there, I highly recommend that you make a quick getaway … things could get ugly.
Now, speaking of quick getaways, that brings me to the actual subject of my column: running on campus. And I’m not talking about running for exercise. I’m talking plain-clothed individuals attending classes like everyone else, but who happen to run, for whatever reason, to a set destination on campus. This is a phenomenon that has intrigued me for several years now, and for that amount of time I have been itching to write a column on it. Well, finally after years of deliberation and careful planning, I have what I feel is the perfect approach for it presenting it accurately. Turning out to be pretty anti-climactic already, I know.
The first thing I think of when I see someone running on campus is, “Wow, they really look ridiculous.” You may think that harsh, but try and picture with me, if you will, what a person running on campus looks like. Usually someone engaged in this rare activity is performing a kind of a shuffle run, with the backpack bouncing up and down awkwardly, and the person is trying to hold onto the backpack, trot, and maintain composure all at the same time, which is, of course, impossible.
Now, as I’ve already briefly mentioned, this whole deal with any and all such running had me completely bewildered for the longest time, because I couldn’t possibly imagine what would drive a person to be so desperate as to look so strange in front of so many of their own peers. Being late to class is certainly no excuse. If you aren’t going to be on time, you might as well be fashionably late, or even better yet, don’t go at all. No, being late for a class should give no one license to run on campus.
At the same time, however, I hope you don’t misunderstand me. I’ve put a lot of thought into this, at the sacrifice of many class lectures, and I’ve decided that there are several worthy excuses for that could lead to a student running on campus. Those excuses are medical emergencies, free Aggie Ice Cream being offered some place on campus, those big bucks summer jobs guys chasing you down, and/or a nuclear explosion within the near vicinity. If you find yourselves in any of these situations, by all means run to your heart’s content.
Yet, even after I figured out these noble excuses for running on campus, I realized that the issue wasn’t just plain running. No, what it really came down to was the type of running that lent itself to the embarrassment of that person’s reputation. The awkward, can’t-decide-whether-the-rush-is-more-important-than-my-image gait of a campus runner is the root of the problem. The solution, then?
Well, if you must run (and I highly recommend that you carefully ponder over whether the running is necessary), then don’t go half way with it. I suggest an all-out, full, dead-on sprint. And I mean SPRINT. We’re talking Seabiscuit pace here. Give it all you got then a little bit more.
I guarantee this approach will give you both things you hope for. It will not only insure that you reach your destination in a hurry, but you will also find a way to not look so ludicrous. The reason for the latter is because if someone is sprinting past you with every last bit of energy they can muster, no matter how fast it actually is, you have to respect their attempt. Or, at the very least, the people you run by won’t have time to catch your face because you hopefully went by so fast.
Though you might be skeptical, I can verify this theory because I saw someone sprinting past me the other day on campus. Even though I was somewhat wary as to the reason for his hurry at first, I soon saw that because of his dash, he was able to catch the Aggie Shuttle right before it left the bus stop. I could not deny how impressed I was at his triumphant effort. Yes, Marty, but that’s because he caught the bus, you’re saying right now. What if it was someone like me who may not be so athletically gifted? It doesn’t matter. Even if he hadn’t successfully caught the bus, he could have kept on sprinting behind it and would have eventually caught up with it or ended up where he was going anyway. Either way, he wins. In other words, either way, you win.
So all you campus runners out there, if you must run, don’t hold back. Drop your backpacks, pump your arms, and don’t rest till you reach your destination. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to drop off this column at The Statesman office, so clear a path! Oh, wait, I guess I can just e-mail it instead. I guess I’ll just save my energy for the free Aggie Ice Cream then.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Any comments or tall tale refugees can contact him at martr@cc.usu.edu.