LETTER: Quiet halls where ASUSU is concerned

To the editor:

I realize that I am a little late for the elections this year, so let’s call this a head start on my campaign for the 2013-14 school year.

Under my presidency, USU will enjoy a year of perfect bliss. My first action will be to demolish the HPER Building and replace it with a pond. That pond will be filled with ducks, and those ducks will be filled with joy. The people can feed the ducks, but they are all allergic to wheat gluten, so be sure that your bread is gluten-free.

I will build a skyscraper one hundred stories tall in the shape of an arm. The arm will be very muscular and the hand will be in a fist, showing that USU means business. It will, in fact, be called “This Means Business Building,” since Jon Huntsman already took “The Business Building.”

Every day we will gather on the Quad for ultimate Frisbee. The losing team has to work in Uncle Kendall’s Happy Time Mine where they will dig for fun and smiles. Don’t forget the canary. He will whistle a happy tune while you work to keep your spirits up. He’ll also die if there’s a gas leak warning you to get out.

We will party, party, party, all day long and drink root beers and sarsaparilla — which we will pronounce “sarsparilly.” If you choose not to party I will have my fun cops beat you within an inch of your life. But they’ll do it out of love, so you can’t be mad.

Most importantly, I will fulfill very few of these promises and it will be a quiet year in the ASUSU halls, because, let’s face it — that’s the way it is and always will be.

Kendall Pack