COLUMN: As long as I can master stripper heels I’m good to go

I am and I always have been a female.

This was article 2.6.1 of the 23-page contract I had to sign this weekend relinquishing my rights to use my good looks, charm and when I have one, my first born, if I am crowned Miss Cache Valley.

I spent my Saturday morning discussing the wisdom of sequined dresses, how much skin you should show during the swimsuit competition, the pros and cons of spray-on tanning versus beds and whether anyone knew who Condoleezza Rice was. The answers: Sequins are good, too much skin is bad, spray-on tans are the best thing since sliced bread and there were a few who knew who Condi is.

I am participating in the Miss Cache Valley Scholarship Pageant. I have three weeks to find and break in the recommended clear, heeled shoes (commonly known as stripper heels), memorize my talent and get more tan.

This is a problem. One hour of my weekend was fruitlessly devoted to driving from store to store to find heels. I found the song for my talent five days ago. And I am whiter than the snow covering the Quad.

On the plus side, I can name the vice president, secretary of defense and president of Iran, so I’m not too worried about the interview.

This is some serious business for a lot of people. Some of these people spend weeks starving themselves and analyzing past pageant performances. Compared to them, it sounds like I don’t care. I do. I’m just not willing to devote a good four hours a day to eyeshadow colors.

Why am I doing this? Perverse curiosity? Societal gender norm fulfillment? Good ol’ kicks and giggles? Who knows? Probably all of the above. I must admit, I do enjoy an excuse to get some new shoes. And I’m easily amused.

I don’t want to sound like I’m making fun of the Miss Cache Valley Pageant, because I think it’s pretty rad. I just can’t help but laugh at some of the inconsistencies in pageantry.

The fitness portion of the competition is a swimsuit contest. I haven’t had anything to do with a workout since high school freshman soccer and track six years ago. I can barely breathe trying to walk up a couple flights of stairs. But because of the miracles of youth, you can’t really tell any of that when I’m wearing a bikini.

Despite all of this, I dutifully dragged myself out of bed for the first meeting to get free muffins and fill out paperwork. My wardrobe is approved. Now all I have to do is go in a tanning bed for the first time ever, find some stripper heels and sell 15 tickets by March 24.

Bring it on, baby!

Di Lewis is a junior in print and broadcast journalism. Watch out for the column on the Monday after Spring Break for further pageant adventures. If you want to buy a ticket or have stripper heels in size 8 1/2, e-mail her at dilewis@cc.usu.edu.