Ways to win the parking war
I recently stopped by the Utah State University Parking office. For now, we will keep my reasons for being there strictly confidential (certainly it has nothing to do with the fact that it shares building space with the campus police). If you haven’t been there, you’re lucky, but you really should go.
You see, in the foyer, on a bulletin board, the parking service people have placed a number of responses they’ve received from students concerning their experiences with parking employees. Most of these shocking and, to be honest, quite entertaining responses would make even Howard Stern cringe.
Though such responses might lead some to believe that the parking people are vicious tyrants (“Nazis” seemed to be a popular allegation), after hearing horror stories from some friends who have been parking employees, I can see it would be a mistake to paint either side as good or bad. Yet that is what is happening.
Think of yourself, for example. Be honest. When you meet a new person do you immediately categorize them as either a parking employee or non-parking employee? The hatred is growing.
Doesn’t anyone else see what is going on here? The anti-parking guy jokes, the stupid student slurs. None of this is new, and these feelings won’t just go away. They will, in fact, culminate.
I don’t want to be the doomsayer here, but people, we are on the brink of all out warfare.
Allow me to describe in vivid detail exactly how this war will play out:
A couple students will be given tickets simultaneously – in plain view of a parking employee. A scuffle will be had. The fighting will escalate and both sides will gather reinforcements.
The outer-lying parking lots, such as the stadium lot and the skinny ones on the south side of 400 north, will be the first to fall into the hands of the numerically advantaged students.
After some bitter struggles, the parking employees will be forced to fall back to their central base, the parking terrace. There, the student onrush will be checked due to the terrace’s protective arm guards and enclosed structure, and the standoff will commence.
Once the siege begins, it will no longer be a battle of numbers, but of resources. It will suddenly come down to how many florescent green envelopes the parking employees have stored up and how many tow trucks they have available.
As for the students, they will be tested to see how many of their own cars they can sacrifice before wearing out their enemies. At the end, our campus will be a disaster zone, filled with booted car wheels, overturned tow trucks, and thousands of loose parking tickets.
I should hardly have to point out that this impending parking war can only be a lose-lose situation for all of us. But is it inevitable?
Maybe not.
Since the root problem is the battle over precious parking spots, the best thing for us to do is to immediately hand over all parking spaces to a non-partisan bystander.
My modest suggestion for that bystander?
Myself, of course.
I can promise that if all parking spaces were handed over to me, I would take great care of them until an appropriate accord has been agreed upon. Until then, I can hardly let the spots sit unused, so I will, of course, do my best to use as many as possible myself.
However, being only one person, I wouldn’t be able to cover all parking spaces at all times. Because of this, I will be more than willing to allow other students to use my spots for a very slight charge. But be warned: If you park in my spot without paying, the consequences will be drastic indeed, you anti-parking scum.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Comments or parking reservations can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu