GEEK BEAT: An apology for the ’90s

Every once in a while, VH-1 will ask me if I remember the ’90s.

I usually pretend to be so deeply involved in updating my blog that I can’t hear the question.

I’ve said before that I am very happy to be old enough to have a lot of good memories about the ’80s but still young enough not to be held responsible for any of it.

I’m not so lucky with the ’90s.

They were pretty much entirely my fault.

I’m convinced that I am the way that I am because of the ’90s. It’s hard to live through a decade where the biggest sports story is someone biting another man’s ear off and not come out a little messed up.

I could go on for hours apologizing for the ’90s but that wouldn’t even cover the “Achey Breaky Heart” crisis.

Instead I’m just going to run over some things of the ’90s that were most important to me and why.

Moshing: I was one of many talentless white guys with no sense of rhythm who rejoiced when moshing became recognized as a kind of dancing. Moshing is to dance what ice hockey is to sport – it counts even if it probably shouldn’t.

I know moshing started long before the ’90s, but midway through the decade moshing really took off. It was everywhere. There was even moshing in church.

Me and my friends – being young, tough and stupid – we were really into moshing. We’d even practice on the weekend.

Of course, now I realize how dumb this is. Practicing moshing is like practicing falling down, but at the time it was very important that we be better at bumping into other people and flailing our arms and legs like seizure victims than anyone else.

Very important.

Grunge: For a few glorious months, it was cool for me not to wash my clothes or hair.

The Macerena: More like the Suckerena.

This song was the ’90s’ equivalent of e-mail spam. It was everywhere.

The only good thing to ever come from this song was it taught me that you could press mute and still watch MTV.

A skill that served me well during the Spice Girls fad.

The Return of the Swing: Swing dancing came back in the ’90s. Some girls kicked me in the back of the head at my junior prom. That’s about all I remember about this fad.

Jesse Ventura becomes the Minnesota Governor: This opened up a whole new world of politics for me.

I still to this day think this country would be better off if we elected more former professional wrestlers to important positions.

I’ve always been concerned that the British were looking to repeat the War of 1812 and burn the White House again. There’s no way they’d try that if Hacksaw Jim Duggan was living there.

Titanic: For some reason, this was the biggest movie ever.

I hate this movie. I hated it then. I hate it now.

Not even partial nudity with a PG-13 rating would make me see this.

It wasn’t anything against the actors, or the director. I just really hate going into a film where I know the ending.

Plus I hated Celine Dion. Her heart should not go on.

The phrase “You go girl!”: I was not – and still am not – a girl, therefore, I did not go.

Michael Jordan retiring twice: Three times actually but only twice in the ’90s. This proved that he was not only a talented player but also a big fat liar.

Does anyone else remember when he tried to play baseball?

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

Pokemon: One of my biggest regrets in life is that I never caught them all.

The Lorena Bobbit thing: This scared the crap out of me.

Before this hit the press, it had never crossed my mind that this sort of thing could happen.

I haven’t been able to use a kitchen knife since.

In a nut shell, that was the 90’s. Oh sure there were a couple of conflicts and the only successful impeachment of a president, but I think I covered the truly important stuff.

In conclusion, Furbies were stupid and so was this decade.

Geek on.

Steve Shinney is a senior in computer science. He is looking forward to making fun of how stupid he was in 2007 in a few years. Comments and questions can be sent to