The Pre-emptive Critics
‘Grindhouse’
Creating two movies, showing them together and calling it a double feature all seems like a ploy to me. But Quentin Tarantino is behind this double feature, and that means that somewhere in this whole mess called “Grindhouse” is a sea of sex, violence and nudity.
There is also a girl with a gun for a leg. This scared me a little at first, but I’m not dating her, so the gun is cool. What’s more, Kurt Russell plays something other than a kid-friendly super-dad. This is cool too, and not just because I am not romantically involved with him.
The trailer is only two minutes long, but just watching all the mad driving and violence that Tarantino can pack into two minutes makes me feel a little like either Smoky or the Bandit, or maybe both – because if this movie makes any point at all, it is that the best things come in twos.
Twice the movie, twice the pre-emptive. I tip my hat (twice) to Tarantino, and I pre-emptively love “Grindhouse.”
By Zach Pendleton/zpendlton@cc.usu.edu
‘Are We Done Yet?’
I know this film’s title lends itself to a certain brand of criticism far too easily, but what the heck: Seeing the words “Are We Done Yet?” flash across the big screen will probably lead you to wonder why you decided to give up some of your hard-earned cash on an originally promising Friday evening when you start asking yourself the same exact question.
Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Besides, the summer-family-camping-adventure film pretty much peaked with John Candy’s bear-filled romp “The Great Outdoors.”
Audiences certainly weren’t lining up to watch either “RV” or “Cheaper by the Dozen 2,” and critics didn’t warm to the idea of even the most accomplished comedians trading in their credibility for a tent and a fishing pole.
It certainly didn’t work for Robin Williams or Steve Martin. Somehow, I don’t think Ice Cube, the rapper-turned-actor responsible for the “Friday” series, is going to fare much better.
And those computer-generated animals with exaggerated reactions have to be the most bizarre family film gimmicks to confound movie-goers since the birth of the live-action Dr. Suess adaptation.
I pre-emptively hate this movie.
By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu
‘The Reaping ‘
Let’s be honest. The Ten Plagues of Egypt are a little blasé. I think God should update them to get with the times a bit.
Rivers turning to blood: How about rivers turning to Red Bull? It’s just as gross but edgy for the extreme crowd.
Amphibians: Itches in that place on your back you can’t reach.
Lice: Movies with Hillary Swank.
Flies: The flies on everyone pants get permanently stuck in the down position.
Disease of livestock: Disease of Woodstock. If you catch it – BOOM – you’re a hippy.
Unhealable boils: Unwashable skid marks.
Hail mixed with fire: Peanut M&Ms mixed in with the plain ones. I hate that.
Locusts: One million gerbils! No toilet paper rolls would be safe.
Darkness: Emo kids. Lots of them.
Death of the first born: Let’s leave the first born alone. We - I mean they – have enough stress. Actually let’s give the first born a cookie. We can punch the second born right in the neck for all the times they got the first born in trouble. Man that’d be a sweet plague.
Oh yeah, anyway, I pre-emptively hate this movie.
-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu