COLUMN: Predicting an unsuccessful movie remake
There are two basic types of events that occur in life — excluding the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, of course — moments we never thought would occur and events we honestly hoped never would.
Truth be told, I am torn at where to file one of the upcoming probable events in my future after waking up Monday morning. I did my normal early-time routine of crawling out of bed, doing some crunches, preparing a temporary tattoo I got inside my Nestle Wonderball and checking my email.
I finished up my morning emails and took a rather brisk jaunt over to Facebook to see if anyone has recently found my posted links funny — which they generally don’t because very few have any slight affinity for Andy Kaufman or Lite Brite commercials — and I faintly noticed that I had been invited (gulp) to my five-year high school reunion.
(Stunned silence.)
All at once Simple Plan and Good Charlotte songs began ringing in my head, I began looking for my old puffy pair of loosely-laced Vans, and I had the sudden urge to fire up MSN Messenger and emoticon all my friends about my new Sony Walkman. This territory had been rather uncharted for quite some time, and here it was staring me in the face after nearly half a decade.
I just felt torn with it all. Do I really want to revisit my adolescent years? I mean, my only real accomplishments from that smidge in time was having a thin waist, getting into a well-respected university and, kind of, being able to grow sideburns.
Sure, I can see some old faces again, but, had I the needed resources, I could see them anytime without having to endure a less-than-desirable taco bar.
I suppose what it all comes down to is the whole environment of high school just isn’t as interesting, nowadays, as it used to be. Back in the day, or so I’m told, that educational age actually had some sense of positive imagery to it.
Ever seen “The Breakfast Club”? Good gracious, that movie even made Emilio Estevez look cool. You had the brain, the basket case, the princess, Judd Nelson — that movie had it all, with unnecessary dance montages to boot.
Sadly, somehow I have the strong notion that “Breakfast Club 2012” wouldn’t gather as much gusto.
I could see it now. Corbin Blue, as the jock, Jay Baruchel, as the nerd, and one of the Jonas Brothers, as Kanye West, get locked into a public school library with Selena Gomez, the popular one, and a Bratz doll, the goth, for an entire weekend, noting, of course, that it will be under strict supervision due to the school board passing some act that no student can be alone at any time after a teenager was recently caught playing a mildly provocative game of Angry Birds.
The principal, played by Amy Adams and the entire cast of “Glee” will then inform them they have the rest of the weekend to figure out “why they are there.” They will then slowly exit the library doing their own boppy rendition of “Leader of the Pack.”
The group reluctantly stares at each other across a table, leading to an-hour-and-40-minutes-worth of everyone begrudgingly texting, with a break in the middle for a Hellogoodbye music video.
All of a sudden, a miracle, as the entire group bonds after realizing they all enjoy Old Spice commercials. Before they know it, they make plans to get salads at Café Rio together before they realize they were supposed to be figuring out the heart-ripping question of why they were there — a question that, in its own nature, may be the very thing to change their young lives if they could only figure it out.
So they Google it.
Turns out the principal just wanted to inform them she wanted something handmade for her birthday. Thank you, Pinterest.
With a pseudo-emotional song playing in the background, they sit together to write their self-evaluating letter to the principal. They choose, instead, to tweet “Ur gonna totes luv ur gift, rofl!” as the credits roll.
#WorstRemakeEver
You know what? I think I’ve changed my mind about the reunion. Nothing could be worse than that scenario — not even embarrassing photos and spiked punch.
– Steve Schwartzman is a junior majoring in speech communication. His column runs every Wednesday. He loves sports, comedy and creative writing. He encourages any comments at his email steve.schartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu, or find him on Facebook.