COLUMN: Complexity in dating
A few weeks back you will recall my article “Being single is no walk in the park.” Since that time, I can only think of one thing that is worse, and that would be dating.
Dating is one of the most torturous events anyone can go through. I am not talking about those stable happy relationships, but rather actual dating, the no commitment, getting-to-know-you phase.
First you see someone, and you think they are attractive, but you can’t just go up to them and tell them that, because then you would be classified as a creep. See, our society does not value honesty in this circumstance.
Rather, it is socially acceptable to pretend you don’t even care for the other person that way. You have to play the game, and you have to do it well. To play the game you need to play it cool. There is no just walking up to the person and asking them out. You need to accidentally bump into the person, or have a friend introduce you. That way you gain credibility.
Why? Why do we no longer value honesty, why can’t you just walk up to someone and tell them what’s on your mind? We all find people attractive, we all like other people, why is it so unacceptable to tell a person that you think they are beautiful or amazing? Shouldn’t a person be flattered by these comments instead of creeped out? Apparently not. So right from the beginning everyone is nervous about being classified as a creep.
The next step, if you are introduced in the acceptable manner, is to figure out how to get to know the person better. You could attempt to get their number, but what if they reject you? That would just be plain awkward.
It has been my experience that the best way is to figure out through a little investigation how you can “bump” into each other again. Perhaps a little Facebook stalking? Don’t tell me you have never done it. Facebook is the new, and almost preferred, dating medium, and there is no harm in adding your new interest as a friend.
Pardon the reiteration, but why? Why are we so communication retarded? When did we as a generation lose interest in communication skills? People break up over text and e-mail all the time. I have been asked out on more than one first date by an e-mail, and let me tell you, those first dates went absolutely nowhere. Why are we more comfortable with writing each other a message than talking to a person? I personally think it is plain silly and issue all of you a challenge. Try using a phone sometime. It is not that horrible.
OK, moving on. You’ve done the initial second pseudo interaction. Now what? An actual interaction. How do you get to see them again? At this point I am reaching either apathy toward the whole situation, or am feeling a little bit discouraged. I begin thinking, “There is no way this guy would ever be interested in me. He probably has a girlfriend. There is no way we would ever get along. He is going to think I am crazy. I am probably going to hate his personality. I bet he is gay, etc. etc. etc.”
The whole dating task seems nearly impossible at the beginning, and it is so much easier at this point just to give up than exert the energy to move forward, but like good little boys and girls we are all ambitious and thirsty for the next step, and most of the time we pursue it.
Now you have to lay your pride on the line. This step I have heard from most of my guy friends is the hardest, the actual date asking. Will she say yes, and if she does, is she just being nice?
We really work dating up to be such a big deal, when, c’mon, it does not to be the end all of everything. If the person says no, so what? Are you going to go home and cry? Maybe, but honestly, this is not going to destroy the rest of your life.
Also, for the people who get asked, just because a person is asking you on a date does not mean they want to marry you. Dating, yes, can lead to marriage (that sounds like an surgeon generals cigarette warning, “smoking cigarettes may lead to cancer”), but it doesn’t always, especially at the beginning.
Yet, despite all of these rationalizations, it always ends up being a big deal. We get nervous at this point, with sweaty palms and dry lips we walk up to that person and hope with all our might that something will work, and when it does, you embark on the first date, the start of your journey toward the ever coveted “relationship.”
If you continue dating, there are pit-stops on the way to an actual relationship. The always awkward first hand hold or first kiss. The first kiss cracks me up, and I never do it well. I always give nervous giggles in between kisses, thinking to myself, “I have no freaking clue what I am doing.” Why didn’t anyone ever think to teach a class on kissing?
I have been kissing for years, and every first kiss I think that same thing, and I doubt I will ever really know what I am doing. Getting back to the subject, though, initiating these physical manifestations of love are very difficult, and if not overcome with a minimum amount of grace, can doom any potential relationship. I do not need to emphasize again how scary dating is, you all already know that, but this particular event is one of the hardest. I once dated a boy who it took eight months to initiate the hand-holding stage, it took him nine to ask me to be his girlfriend, and I can tell you, he was scared.
Finally, if you get there, you have a “DTR” or “define the relationship” talk. In my last relationship I had to initiate it, because he just wasn’t going to go there. I was terrified. We had been dating for a few weeks, and we had never discussed anything remotely close to what we were and where we were going. I was way confused on top of already being a confusing person – not a good combination. To be honest, my brain was a pile of mush. I turned to my girlfriends for advice and support, and they told me it was obvious he liked me, I should just ask him what he thought of us. I finally did, but it was really hard, and even after the talk I was left confused about what we were.
Here is the point: why does something that is supposed to be wonderful intimidate us all? Why have we all made it so hard for one another? What group of people got together and decided to write our societal norms? If I ever find out what committee was in charge of the dating segment of norms, I am going to write them a very nasty letter. I swear they must have sat around some prestigious table laughing their heads off writing the dating constitution and any of its amendments.
Regardless of how they came about, however, I guess I still don’t understand why dating in its entirety has to be so complicated. Yet, dating is what it is, and I don’t think it is going to change anytime soon, no matter how many columns I write.
Dating is messy. It can hurt like heck. I know this one all too well. Even after you think things are stable and that the other person truly does care for you, the rug can still be pulled out from under you.
We all take the risk, and we all will, at some point, get hurt. Dating sucks – there is no doubt about it – but we still do it. I have fresh wounds from my latest dating endeavor, and getting back on the horse seems more bleak than ever, and yet I can’t wait to do it again.
Is the human race compiled entirely of sadistic individuals? Perhaps, but there is a high that comes from dating, from finding someone to share everything with, that you can’t find anywhere else, and while most of the time it seems we fall flat on our butt, there are occasions when things work and they are wonderful.
When you finally find the person who gets you, and who wants to spend all the time in the world with you, all of the bumps and bruises will be worth it (or at least that is what I hear).
I haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing that just yet, but I maintain hope that it does work like that at some point. I can’t wait until I can cash in all of these scars for someone who happens to like the mangled emotional carcass I have become because of my awful dating past.
Maybe I will even find someone who can heal me completely. In the meantime all I can do is hope, and keep playing this awful game of dating that truly, truly, truly sucks.
Lindsay Anderson is a junior majoring in broadcast journalism. When she isn’t on Facebook, she is in the library trying to figure out the dating mess. Questions or comments can be sent to lindsay.anderson@aggiemail.usu.edu