COLUMN: Sure-fire tips to bring attitude to your gratitude
It’s the third week of November, ladies and gentleman, and you know what that means. It’s time to break out this season’s hottest thank-fashions.
It’s that time of year when gratefulness floods our Facebook feeds and fills our hearts to the brim – unless our favorite sports teams don’t win. If you’re anybody, you’re finding a way to transfer your annually-packaged gratefulness from a trusty aerosol can into an Oreo pie tin and shove it forcefully into the face of everyone you come in contact with. You may try to avoid it, but this fad just won’t die. This time of year, gratitude is the new pink.
With so many “thank-yous” windsurfing the airwaves, everyone is wondering just what the hottest thankfuls are on the streets this season. For those finding difficulties seeking just what you’ll share at the dinner table, social media platform, girlfriend’s couch, park bench, hammocks, mini trampolines, George Foreman Grills and everything in between, here are some helpful tips to make sure you dress your thank-yous to impress this holiday.
Be up-to-date on pop culture events – movies, TV shows, albums, even new Lego Bionicles. The general public goes bonkers for stuff like that. Giving back to the community by making quilts and care packages for hospitalized children? Nah. You easily filled your learning-about-humanity quota when your favorite characters got engaged to close that season finale.
Remember the last person who hugged you – nothing screams “compassionate with a sense of emotional priority” much like an extremely specific, idiosyncratic moment of platonic affection from a bystander only you know exists. In most cases referring to a hug is a deadlock, but don’t be afraid to get a little creative. Anecdotes about brief mystery high-fives, nice notes, synchronized cartwheels and reenacting Jamiroquai music videos are just a few examples of how to knock this category out of the park. To assure tears be steadfast, include one of the big three phrases: “I really needed that,” “Just when I was about to give up” or “But at the end of the day, what we really need…is people.”
Over-embellish a book you read – any book. Seriously. It doesn’t even have to exist. All you have to do is provide any and all explanations about how the book changed your life by teaching you the value of fill-in-the-blank. The beauty of it is nobody on Earth reads anymore, so they have no foundation on catching you in the act. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve wept and declared my newfound sense of hope in clinging to family during times of economic struggle from reading “Stellaluna.” Which brings me to my next point…
When all else fails, bring up your family – This age-old tool will never fail. Not since the spawning of the “Growing Pains” theme song have we so readily accepted the sentimental elasticity stemming from being formally interconnected from the same sequence of wombs. A technique tip here: If you decide to use this time to highlight each family member – focus now, this is vital – only tear up when talking about mom. Too much crying devalues the sincerity of the thank you, and if you’re going to use that ammunition for anyone, it might as well be the one you subleased an apartment inside of.
Finally, and most importantly, be grateful for the tab key – If you’ve ever survived the late-night frustration using your faulty mouse touch pad to switch from “username” to “password” to purchase the sole season of “Teen Angel” on Amazon, you know exactly what I’m getting at.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Until Dead Week, may your phrases of gratitude be fashionable, your sports teams victorious and your yams candied with colored marshmallows.