COLUMN: Double-jointed thumbs and childhood stupidity- A Q&A sesh
Once in a blue moon I don’t actually do anything so embarrassing I feel I need to share the story in my column. In these extremely rare cases, I like to take a moment to answer a few of the many questions readers have e-mailed me in the last few months – except the ones with a lot of swearing. I put those on my refrigerator.
Q: Are Blaine and John actually real people?
A: Do you actually think I would print such slanderous and demeaning stories about real people in my column? Of course I would. Besides, nothing I have written about Blaine and John are falsified in any way – unless you define falsified as “made up.” Yes, Blaine and John are real and are always excited to see their names in The Statesman. If you ask politely, I may “accidentally” release their phone number.
Q: What is your favorite breakfast cereal?
A: Obviously Marshmallow Mateys and Frosted Mini Spooners are the most fun to use in everyday speech, but my absolute favorite has to be Crispix.
Q: You keep mentioning that you are used to a much milder climate on the East Coast. How do you cope with the snow and severe winter weather experienced here in Logan?
A: Now that’s a loaded question! As a Virginian in Utah, I can stand winter weather for roughly 12.6 seconds at a time, making the long hike to campus somewhat of a dilemma. So I’ve devised a three-step plan for those fair-weather folks who made the uneducated decision to live in Cache Valley.
* Step 1: Never go outside. Ever. A house on fire is still more temperate than those dratted canyon winds. In this age of technology, there are no pressing reasons to go outside. It does help to have an overly eager roommate.
* Step 2: Assuming you can’t follow the first step, or have an unusual masochistic desire to freeze to death, make sure you have a coat. Don’t settle for a mere sweatshirt or windbreaker like the locals wear. Have it be so cumbersomely warm that small children mistake you for the surreptitious yeti that roams Old Main Hill.
* Step 3: If all else fails, move immediately. I realize that ironically this means that you will have to go outside. Won’t it sure be worth it, though, when you send all your Eskimo-clad friends digital photos of your deep, dark tan you “unintentionally” developed while doing homework on the beaches of Waikiki?
Q: Do you have any unique or hidden talents no one knows about?
A: Unbeknownst to most everyone, my left thumb is double-jointed. This lucky anomaly makes evasions in thumb wars quite easy. It also allows me to gross out really squeamish people. I love it.
Q: You seem to know a lot about random things. Why then, O Wise One, are there no letters on the number one button on telephones?
A: When I lived in Singapore there weren’t any letters on any telephone buttons. So instead of having catchy infomercial numbers like 1-800-MATTRES (leave off the last “s” for savings), we had to remember a lot of numbers like 65 (country code) 1-800-628-8737. Fortunately, we didn’t have a pesky phone anyway, because we lived in huts in the jungle with monkeys. I guess that’s a long, roundabout way of saying, “I have no bloody idea.”
Q: Would you like to comment in your next column on the recent gay marriage disputes?
A: No.
Q: How about giving us some witty material next week on the democratic primary elections?
A: OK … The only thing I know about John Kerry is that, bless his heart, his face makes him look like he ran into a concrete wall as a child. Oh yeah, and I really like the techno song about Howard Dean’s speech.
Q: What is the dumbest joke you have heard recently?
A: Courtesy of my buddy John: “There are only 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don’t.” How about that one to end Engineering Week in a bang?
Q: Can you relate any stories of childhood stupidity in your own life?
A: I can, and I will! An incident occurred at age 3, when I thought I was Superman. At least now I know for sure I am. But back then, as a little tyke, I thought I was invincible and decided to punch through a window. This bizarre action was followed by mass amounts of blood and a highly rational scream for my mom. Yup, even Superman has a mom to come and make things all better.
I still have a scar on my wrist from that fateful day. As you would expect, such an event has left me aspiring to be a much less impact-oriented superhero, perhaps like Mark Trail. But then again, he probably never gets the joy of answering silly reader e-mails.
Garrett Wheeler, a graduate engineering student, would like to play a new game called “Stump the Columnist.” Send any questions you’d like answered to wheel@cc.usu.edu.