COLUMN: Going green has never been so easy
Once you go green, you never go back. What a lie.
Every time I try to be green or environmentally friendly, it ends up biting me in the butt, making me want to go burn down a forest or start drilling for oil offshore First Dam.
My latest suffering at the hands of the green movement came as the result of a late-night shopping expedition with my wife. I like shopping late for many reasons, not the least of which is the discounted donuts. Oh, come to papa you sweet little maple bar.
But this trip was different. I was going healthy, buying everything I could fresh and not buying anything canned. Yep, I was making a concerted effort to go green. This included my need to purchase some vegetables.
Cooking is a passion of mine and this week I wanted to make some very fresh, tasty meals, including zuppa tuscana, an Italian soup that calls for potatoes and kale. No, kale is not a dinner guest, it’s a green, lettuce-like vegetable that has a nice taste when prepared right.
As much as I wanted it for my soup, kale is no friend of mine.
After five minutes of intense searching at the store, the only kale I could find was organic. It was a bit expensive, around $3.50 a group. But, organic is supposed to be environmentally friendly and more healthy, so I was willing to bite the bullet.
I wish I hadn’t bit the bullet because I think that green bullet pierced me.
Just last night, I went to another store and happened across the vegetable section and saw kale – not organic – for just over a dollar. This ruined my whole night and it took all my wife’s effort to keep me from driving over to First Dam with my power drill. What do you mean you don’t drill for oil like that?
Why on earth does organic kale cost three times as much as regular kale? And for that matter, aren’t all vegetables organic? The dictionary definition of organic says it is noting or pertaining to a class of chemical compounds that formerly comprised only those existing in or derived from plants or animals. In English: all vegetables are organic.
But, under the green philosophy, not all vegetables are created equal. One type of organic material is superior to another. Sounds vegatist to me.
This experience has made me want to give up all hopes of going green. But, I’m having a hard time abandoning my conservationist roots, I need something to motivate me, and I think I have the solution: a green reality TV show called “Extreme Makeover: Green Edition.”
The show will be hosted by Ralph Nader. I’m sure he won’t have a problem with this since he’s surely wasted away his life savings by now in his numerous bids for the presidency. You’d think after he lost to Abe Lincoln he would have called it quits.
The show will air on Thursday evenings and will run for about 13 and a half minutes to cut down on the energy required to air it and the commercials will all be green oriented. Nader will work with one guest each episode to help them change their lifestyle to become green.
Each episode will start with Nader gliding across water, showing what a green lifestyle can do for you and how much easier life will be without being enslaved to Big Oil, Big Business, Big Tobacco, Big Bird or Big K.
Nader then introduces the host, Captain Planet, and that night’s green-challenged contestant. This particular night, the contestant is named George W. McWasteful. Nader walks through George’s house, pointing out items that are not environmentally friendly and how he can improve.
The light bulbs are all smashed with a baseball bat to make room for energy-efficient bulbs, George’s computer, TV and microwave are replaced with pictures of endangered species frolicking in their natural environment. Insulation is ripped out and replaced with all the magazines and newspapers George hasn’t been reading.
Captain Planet proceeds teaches George how to use his refrigerator in a green-friendly way, namely by opening it, grabbing the first item in sight and closing the door before any cold air can escape. George stands there looking confused with a bottle of cocktail sauce in his hand while Captain Planet explains that since that was the first thing he grabbed, that’s what he has to eat for dinner. After all, going green is all about commitment.
After the 10-second commercial break that flashes subliminal messages, Captain Planet walks outside with George and heads to George’s car while shaking his head in disappointment. He calmly explains that oil is of the devil and straps a natural gas converter on in 3.9 seconds.
He then helps George properly inflate his tires with a bicycle pump and tells George how proper tire inflation will save millions of dollars. George looks skeptical but doesn’t have time to say anything as Captain Planet climbs in the car and yells, “Let’s roll.”
As they drive 15 miles under the speed limit to avoid harming any stray grass that may be growing out of the asphalt, Captain Planet spots a neighbor using lighter fluid to start a grill. Abruptly slamming on the brakes, Captain Planet tells George he must turn his neighbor in to the Environmental Protection Agency for participating in an activity that isn’t environmentally friendly. He explains that ratting on your neighbors is a patriotic responsibility and the only way to keep Hitler from winning the war.
Since the show is only 13 and a half minutes long, the show ends here with a “to be continued.”
As you can see, this show would clearly motivate me by showing me step by step the ways I can go green. I will then spend the next three weeks implementing all the changes and promptly file for bankruptcy as going green steals away my life savings.
But, hey, it’s OK because it’s all about commitment and I’m no quitter.
Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations. When he’s not turning off lights, he’s playing with his pet squirrel Mitch. Questions and comments can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu