COLUMN: “Stupid Pole!” “No, Stupid Clark!”

Over the holidays while reminiscing with family and friends about my earlier years, I came to a conclusion: I’m stupid.

Even as I write this column I am being stupid. It was supposed to be turned in Saturday. I forgot, so here I am writing it at 8 p.m. Sunday night while my editor sits at his desk hating me. Stupid me.

This column’s title is the exact conversation my mother and I had after I fell into a dirty, leech-filled canal.

I was 15 and for the first time, my family was taking a vacation that did not involve hours of miserable travel in a minivan or station wagon. We flew to Washington, D.C. where my sister was living. We were all dressed up on our way to what was supposed to be a classy dinner.

We were walking along the dock of the Potomac. It wasn’t pleasant. From the smell, we guessed it was probably raw sewage. There was a sign next to the water, and I grabbed the pole thinking I would swing around it. It turned out the pole wasn’t connected to the ground, so when I grabbed it, the pole and I went splashing into the Potomac.

“Stupid Pole,” I yelled.

“No! Stupid Clark,” my mom replied, regretting her attempt to expose our family to a vacation with a little

culture.

It actually wasn’t the first dumb thing I had done on the trip. In the airport, I loudly told my mom to take the bomb out of her purse.

The security officer and my mother let me know how unfunny I was.

My stupidity isn’t limited to vacations with my family.

A new water park opened a mile from our house. For months I looked longingly as they built it. I was most excited for “The Cliffhanger.” A week after it opened, a friend and I showed up right when it opened and sprinted straight from the gate to the long stairway leading up to the Cliffhanger.

Just like laser tag at the Jungle, I was too excited to listen to the instructions. All I could concentrate on was the 30 yards of straight slide ahead of me, followed by a 10-story drop.

I sprinted up to the slide for maximum velocity. Ten seconds later I was in the pool at the bot tom in the most extreme pain I have ever experienced.

A piece of advice for all of you water-park enthusiasts: Don’t go on a steep water slide with your legs in a spread eagle. I’ll just say that the pool had about a gallon of water missing after my ride. The water was inside of me — and I didn’t take a drink.

Then there was the time I went through the McDonald’s drive-thru in reverse to be funny. I ended up getting caught in a tight corner and rolling over the flowers while the manager cussed me out.

I could go on, but my editor is waiting, and I think you get the point. So, if you’re new on campus this semester and you do something silly like ride the LTD around Logan for three hours because you don’t remember where your new apartment is, you’re not the first.

I’m stupid, too.

Clark Jessop is a senior majoring in broadcast journalism.Comments can be sent to clarkjessop@cc.usu.edu.