COLUMN: New Fitness Center turns into meat market
Suit up your spandex, cake on the lipstick and rat that curly blond hair, girls, because the new fitness center/meat market is officially open.
Stop right there.
I know what you are thinking, the Fitness Center is not some butcher shop with fresh lamb chops and T-bone steaks; it’s a place where students go to work out.
But I’m confused. Why do all the guys who are working out at the Fitness Center lick their chops while they are playing basketball and lifting weights? There must be something juicy enough to tantalize their taste buds and stop them from working out momentarily to feast their eyes on such a mouth-watering display. If it’s not fresh meat, what is it?
Recently, President Kermit L. Hall took part in the Grand Opening of the new Fitness Center in the Nelson Fieldhouse.
“The facility is a living monument of the wisdom of our students and student government,” he said.
Utah State University spent $450,000 on renovation and fitness equipment in the Fieldhouse. Now students have a place to work out on those chilly and icy winter days when it’s too cold to exercise outside.
So now back to the question on hand. If it’s not fresh meat, what is it? Well, I’ll tell you what it is, but you’re not going to like it. It is actually a fairly close relative of the meat and protein group found in the food pyramid. And you thought you were taught everything you needed to know about the four food groups in elementary school. Au contraire.
I like to call it the USU womanamburger, made of choice Grade A woman. Unlike haggis, ribs, lamb chops or boneless top sirloin (like the average butcher around the corner is used to) this cut of meat has unique ingredients that make it the delicacy that most USU male athletes are accustomed to.
It’s fairly simple to make. All you need is a chipper female USU student. First, slap some really short running shorts (and I mean really short) or really tight running pants on her. Then plaster on the makeup. Don’t forget the eyeshadow, lipstick, mascara and foundation. Thirdly, find a skimpy tanktop with bright neon colors. If you can’t find one of those, a ridiculously tight T-shirt will do just fine. Lastly, give her a big cheesy smile, and put a sparkle in her eye to add that final flirtatious touch. Then throw her into the meat market, or should I say the Fitness Center.
There you have it, a bonafide USU womanamburger. Don’t worry about giving her running shoes or anything like that. She’s not planning on actually exercising in the Fitness Center. Heck, she probably won’t even break a sweat.
These USU womanamburgers come in three different types: prime, choice and select. Prime womanamburger has less meat due to a higher fat content. Choice womanamburger is the most expensive beef and is usually only found in meat markets/the Fitness Center — as opposed to supermarkets. Select womanamburger is the most popular on a general basis because it’s leaner and less juicy.
Fortunately, the womanamburgers herding into the Fitness Center this semester won’t take up too much time lifting weights or running on the track. They will either get shafted because they aren’t fresh enough for cooking or they will get slapped on the grill by some USU male student with a hearty appetite. That way there will be more room for the men and women who actually go to the Fitness Center to work out.
For more information about obtaining your own cut of Grade A womanamburger for your next social occasion, the Fitness Center isn’t the only place you can go. Any local Lady Fitness or 24-hour fitness center will satisfy all your womanamburger needs.
Marie MacKay is the assistant news editor of The Utah Statesman. Comments can be sent to her at mmackay@cc.usu.edu.